No, not the movie. Remember those funny stories about my friends I promised you? Well I got one from the past weekend that practically split my sides.

[CAUTION: Sexual Content]
Let me give the run down on this friend.

We’ll call her… Wicks.

So Wicks is the girl in the group that gave us the reputation we have. She didn’t come home much during her freshman year. Then she got a very controlling boyfriend who sucked the life out of her, and they recently broke up.

Now, she has become desperate. Very. Very. Desperate.

You may also notice that I’m a little hard on her in this story. Truth is, she’s isn’t my favorite one in the group, but she has grown on me. There are things about her I like, but I don’t have a ton of respect for her…..she just makes bad choices, especially when boys are involved.
When boys are involved, things like the following happen:

So she was at a party with a boy, as many stories with her begin. She was with other friends, but her and the boy went off to a room to do….things. No one expected her to come home, but she did. Well, the next day, she complained to her roommate, another girl in the group, that her *ahem* vajayjay was a little sore. She was positive they didn’t have sex. Sure of it! But she wasn’t quite sure was what exactly he did to make her so sore.

So she sees him later that day, just in passing, possibly at a dining hall or a school event or something. Not terribly important. The conversation would have been just as awkward anywhere.

But she is talking to him, and she says to him, “What did we do last night? I am SO sore!”

He replied, “I fingered you.” (It seems to frank, like everyone does that during drunk hookups. Ooo yeah baby, please put your sticky man fingers in my vagina….oh wait, she might have actually said that….ugh. anyway)

“And that got me sore?” she replies, surprised and disbelieving. Apparently it’s not a new occurrence.

“Well I used three fingers!” (like he’s all proud of it.) He puts up three fingers. “And then I did this!” He then spreads his fingers into the shape of a “W.”

A ‘W’.

My first reaction? Who the hell taught him that women liked that??? What kind of porn has he been studying?

My second reaction? She didn’t know he was doing that??? Alcohol is a magical thing if it can mask the pain of that intrusive and abusive sexual act.

But whatever anyone’s reaction, three fingers, as innocent as they may seem, will never be held up around her ever again. It will never mean “Winner” because that kid….was not a winner that night, and Wicks sure wasn’t a winner the next morning.

So I have made a few references to “The Dirty South” and I feel like I should explain this fully.

First off, no, this is not in reference to anal sex. I’ve heard this lie, and no, it has NOTHING to do with that.

In actuality, The DS is a group of 8 girls who live in the South Side of our Dorm. Because of how the floors work, we are the only south side with girls, making us the best. duh.

At first there were 6. I was shy, but they accepted me to make the group 7. Then gradually, we added another girl to even us out to the Extremely Sexy Eight. (As opposed to the sexy six or sexy seven as we were before) It’s true, we just keep getting sexier.

Granted, because we do tend to broadcast ourselves, we have developed a reputation in the dorm as being….sluts. I would like to say, this is NOT true. Two of us have boyfriends! So a few of the other girls tend to make out with random guys every weekend, but really that’s it. And sure sometimes not all of us come home at night. But, it’s college right?

People love to hate us, and I think that makes us celebrities.

Ironically, the girls in the dorm like us. No beef with them. It’s all the guys that talk shit about us. Lemme guess why….because we won’t hook up with them! Funny how that works.

But we also have fun practices, such as Plastered Piggy which I mentioned before.

Plastered Pig, as pictures below is actually my personal pet, Piggy. No really, my parents got her while I was away at school. She is an albino hairless guinea pig. I brought back pictures and “Plastered Pig” was born.

If one earns “Plastered Pig” she must have the picture on her door until it goes to someone else. This is to let everyone know that she was an absolute shit show that weekend, or at least that she got really plastered. It’s relative each weekend.

I got it last weekend. And since we didn’t go out Saturday night, I get her all week. woot.

We also have “Trashy Teresa.” There is a whole long story behind this one that I actually don’t know completely. But somehow we came into possession of a baby doll. We named her Trashy Teresa and took a picture. Now, if a girl hooks up with an exceptional amount of people one weekend or spends the night, etc., then she gets Trashy Teresa on her wall. Again, relative.

This past weekend I was boasting that I had never had Trashy Teresa on my door since that whole boyfriend thing keeps me from doing that whole hookup thing. No complaints here. But my friends decided that I get TT when I go home next weekend. There is no doubt I’ll be the trashiest of us all that weekend. *wink*

We have a fun motto to: “You mess with one of us, you mess with ALL of us.”

And it’s true. On more than one occasion we’ve given people hell for saying shit about on of the girls. That shit doesn’t fly with us.

That’s how we roll. We’re the Dirty South.

“My room smells like a brothel. Cheap booze and girls.” - Catie

Good times getting ready to go out haha

The one thing every man hates is “The Chick Flick,” or the movie his woman forces him to watch that he will later have to either deny till his death to his man friends that he saw it, or claim temporary insanity. However, I feel like men underestimate the power of a chick flick. Nothing puts women in the mood more than watching other women find true love, which always seems to happen at the end of a chick flick.

Now, people will always use the movie theatre to make out, and if you’re feeling extra randy and daring, oral attention. That’s one more thing I envy about men. Not only can they pee standing up, but its much less difficult for them to get oral attention in public places. Back to the point. While some people see the theatre as the ideal place for this, renting a chick flick and taking it home to cozy up and watch can be so much more rewarding.

Girls should only take their girl friends and their gay friends to see chick flicks in theatres. Not the boyfriends.

But, when renting and cozying up to watch the elusive chick flick, men should not cringe at the thought! Think about what women want. We want that idea relationship and true love. What better to brain wash us into thinking he might have that than a chick flick?

By the end of the movie, if the man is still awake, there is an excellent chance that all the pent up sexual tension from the movie will be transfered. While the woman may not be say…..thinking of you in particular, you’ll still be getting some.

I know personally, at the end of a chick flick, all I want to do is make out with someone. Then have a pillow fight in my underwear with all my chick friends, but that might just be because we usually watch chick flicks at sleepovers and that’s just the logical aftermath.

So men, next time your woman wants to stay home and watch a movie, suggest a chick flick. She’ll cuddle you during the sad parts, might even cry. Be excited, that means she’s really into it. Then at the end, when she is swooning and you hear that heavy oh so dream-like sigh, that’s when you put your arm around her and kiss her cheek. I can almost promise every time this will end in a heavy make out session. Now, oral sex and actual intercourse, not guaranteed. That depends on your game.

Earlier I was thinking about how much I like surprises and how I love to be surprised. Now, I’m pretty sure I’m not alone in this. Who doesn’t love random little surprises like an email from a loved one or a spur of the moment plan? Not to mention, it’s a great way to win a girl’s affection.

So here’s a tip. Want a girl to like you more? Surprise her!

Now there are certain things that should be kept in mind when dealing with surprises. There are surprise guidelines and basics.

First, spontaneity is key. If you tell a girl you’re going to surprise her later that night, sure, it’s going to antagonize her all day, but she gets her expectations up. This could prove fatal for the actual surprise. If it’s not as good as she imagined it, then she wont like it as much. Sorry. So your best bet: Make it a true surprise. Sex on the other hand, is the exception to this rule. Better to make them think about it all day

Another fun kind of surprise is one that one has to find. For example, like I found recently, my boy left a comment on a friend’s blog about me that was really sweet. He has no way of knowing if I saw it or not, but it was there and it made me very happy. Thus, the surprise left to find is an excellent one, with great results, and can have a very good pay off later on. My boy’s comment will probably pay off tomorrow night teehee

Now, the biggest rule of surprises is that they shouldn’t come with strings attached or require payment. A surprise is a gift. Whether is a comment, flowers, jewelry, or a dinner at her favorite restaurant. Granted, it has the underlying purpose to get you laid, but you can let her believe its just because you want to make her happy. After all, the happier she is, the happier you are/will be later that night.

If everything is announced, or if everything is always the same, it gets boring. One needs to keep things exciting. Keep her on her toes. Make her wonder.

The key thing, keep the surprises spread out. Surprise her every day and she will come to expect them, and you’ll run out of ideas! A variable ratio is the best method.

and remember: Expectations breed disappointments.