And so it begins, Finals Week 09.

Now I admit, I’m not the typical college student. I should be popping adderol and pulling all nighters at the library (like my roommate) but I’m not. No, instead I actually had all my stuff due last week, so now all I have to look forward to (or dread) this coming week is one final paper (7-10 pages) and an exam in my pass/fail class. And whats more, I could walk into that exam, sign my name, turn the paper in, and still pass the class. So needless to say, I’m not too worried. And the paper isn’t due till wednesday.

So basically, I’m bored. My boy has two hard exams Monday and Tuesday, and all my friends have exams too. So no one is around to play with me! and I don’t want to go out drinking alone, that just doesn’t seem fun.

Thus, I’ve had to find other ways to entertain myself which have included going through my nicknacks and throwing stuff out that I don’t need and what not. Packed a few things up, threw some clothes in a suitcase.

Actually, the most entertaining thing I did was go through and throw out all my expired condoms. I only have them because of sexual health week on campus. My roommate helped, and then we read the directions which my one roommate was surprised some people need those.

Oh. They do. Another story for another time.

But otherwise, I actually had to take a break in the middle of writing this post because my roommates and I decided to make a cold stone run for ice cream cup cakes, but I then decided to go next door and get some chips and guac. Perfect.

We picked up two more of our lovely Dirty South and came back to the room to watch The Girl Next Door. Good shit.

Unfortunately, with all the good, we had to tell one of our roommates that her boyfriend has been cheating on her. She seemed okay when we told her…but then she made a phone call…and all were heard were those sad sounds of bawling and tears and screaming. And we assumed the worst. We rushed in, but she bolted out of the room and into the stairwell and we couldn’t catch her. We don’t know where she is now, I hope she is okay….

It sucks that it has to be now that she finds out, but its better she know now than go into the summer with a cheating boyfriend.

Hopefully Finals week will be okay for everyone…

So you know how sometimes people create code names for certain activities that they want to talk about in front of people but don’t want the other people to know they are talking about what they are actually talking about?

Well if you followed that then you’ll hopefully find great humor in my new code for fooling around.

I use the term fooling around loosely because like the term “hooking up,” everyone has their own opinions about what it actually means. For some people it’s just making out, for others it’s full on bump-it, thump-it. Oh yea, I said it.

Well seeing as how neither I, nor New Boy, are all that religious, it almost seemed perfect that we would call fooling around “Bible Study.” For the record, there has been no bump-it, thump-it. I’m sick of people asking, NO.

But for all the other fun activites involved, the new term is “Bible Study.”

Now along with this new termonology came some pretty good extra things. And yes, most of these are quotes. Other are just me once again, just taking things a little too far.

Try not to be too offended. But I’m pretty sure you can figure out what they each imply, just keep in mind the general theme.
“I think I just found Jesus!”

“Was that the second coming of Christ?”

“I don’t find individual bible review quite as…enlightening.”

“There are still a few passages I don’t quite understand.” (that one is actually not as dirty as it sounds out of context)

and keeping with the theme, wouldn’t a Nun, who spends most of her time in bible study, be considered a nympho?

Fuck, I am SO going to hell. But at least it’ll be a run ride! haha

I suppose it’s time for an update. I’m not longer romantically dating John, instead, as two adults, we decided that in our current situations, him graduating and me…not, it was best that we become friends rather than feel so obligated as boyfriend and girlfriend.

But I don’t want to talk about it. So moving on!

Tonight was a pretty good night, till my fucking roommate came back.

The girls and I goofed off for a bit. Sucked helium out of balloons, ate a ton of candy, did a little taekwondo lesson, etc. etc.

Then we went to our BT2Go, the late night food place on campus we like to hit up and on the way back, I saw new boy coming to my dorm to surprise me! Except it wasn’t really a surprise because he had mentioned that he hadn’t seen me yet that day and didn’t want to ruin our streak. I met him about two weeks ago and we’ve hung out, even for only the briefest moments, every day since we met.

For now, He’ll be refered to as “New Boy.” A little background on this kid?

He’s brilliant. Smartest person I’ve ever met. He is here at school on a full ride, and is the only person I’ve ever seen who can sit and watch jeopardy every day and know every answer. Oh jeopardy…. Funny side story about that.

The other day, I was hanging out at his place, and we’re chillin in his room on his bed. Cuddling, chatting, and then he looks at the clock. He JUMPS UP! Like he is late for something important! Then says to me, “Jeopardy is on!!!”

I just stared blankly.  Smart people priorities….figures.

But anyway, back to the night I just had.

So he came over and we decide to watch Clerks 2. This decision is primarily based on the fact that I make a lot of references to the movie, and New Boy doesn’t get most of them because it’s been so long since he’s seen the movie. So since I am forced to watch all the stupid videos that he quotes so that I’m not left in the dark, I can make him watch the one movie I constantly quote.

Well after the movie and good foods (loaded fries and chocolate cake), we start chatting, getting cozy, being friendly. Well, we start to get friendlier when all the sudden I hear the key in the door.

My roommate, who was actually at New Boy’s place watching a movie with his roommate, decided to come back, no warning at all, and just barge in.

She doesn’t even say Hello. Instead she looks at new boy and goes “[NB’s Roommate] wants to know if you want a ride” since he had driven and dropped her off. Well he lives on the opposite side of campus from me, so of course he opted for the ride, but it took him a few minutes to decide if he really wanted to give up being friendly for a car ride. Of course then my roommate helped him make the decision by adding “I’m going to bed.”

By which she meant, “Leave now.”

And of course New boy and I can’t keep the princess from her slumber. I’d say beauty sleep, but that’s a stretch. Okay maybe not, but I’m pissed.

So I walked New Boy out to the car, like a good hostess. I come back to my room and my roommate is already in bed. She didn’t even apologize for the VERY obvious cock block that she caused me.

Well I’m extremely revved up right now, a little pissed off, and VERY sexually frustrated, and bitch-face roommate doesn’t seem to care. So I am gonna type as loud as I can, text all night, and maybe tomorrow, if I’m still angry, I’ll take John’s advice and pee in her shampoo.

That’s right people. Never piss off a passive aggresive, we do weird to you and we get under your skin.

Actually, I’m only slightly passive aggressive. I just have really good self control. Bitch is lucky I’m not smothering her with a pillow right now.

All I know is, being polite goes a long way. I understand if you’re tried, but apologize for god’s sake.

Or else you’re gonna end up with funny smelling hair. hmph.

No, not the movie. Remember those funny stories about my friends I promised you? Well I got one from the past weekend that practically split my sides.

[CAUTION: Sexual Content]
Let me give the run down on this friend.

We’ll call her… Wicks.

So Wicks is the girl in the group that gave us the reputation we have. She didn’t come home much during her freshman year. Then she got a very controlling boyfriend who sucked the life out of her, and they recently broke up.

Now, she has become desperate. Very. Very. Desperate.

You may also notice that I’m a little hard on her in this story. Truth is, she’s isn’t my favorite one in the group, but she has grown on me. There are things about her I like, but I don’t have a ton of respect for her…..she just makes bad choices, especially when boys are involved.
When boys are involved, things like the following happen:

So she was at a party with a boy, as many stories with her begin. She was with other friends, but her and the boy went off to a room to do….things. No one expected her to come home, but she did. Well, the next day, she complained to her roommate, another girl in the group, that her *ahem* vajayjay was a little sore. She was positive they didn’t have sex. Sure of it! But she wasn’t quite sure was what exactly he did to make her so sore.

So she sees him later that day, just in passing, possibly at a dining hall or a school event or something. Not terribly important. The conversation would have been just as awkward anywhere.

But she is talking to him, and she says to him, “What did we do last night? I am SO sore!”

He replied, “I fingered you.” (It seems to frank, like everyone does that during drunk hookups. Ooo yeah baby, please put your sticky man fingers in my vagina….oh wait, she might have actually said that….ugh. anyway)

“And that got me sore?” she replies, surprised and disbelieving. Apparently it’s not a new occurrence.

“Well I used three fingers!” (like he’s all proud of it.) He puts up three fingers. “And then I did this!” He then spreads his fingers into the shape of a “W.”

A ‘W’.

My first reaction? Who the hell taught him that women liked that??? What kind of porn has he been studying?

My second reaction? She didn’t know he was doing that??? Alcohol is a magical thing if it can mask the pain of that intrusive and abusive sexual act.

But whatever anyone’s reaction, three fingers, as innocent as they may seem, will never be held up around her ever again. It will never mean “Winner” because that kid….was not a winner that night, and Wicks sure wasn’t a winner the next morning.

My progression of emotions throughout this breakup so far.
Day one: sad, tired, unable to talk to other people about it, just wadecd to cry, and eventually numb because I distanced myself from people and just tried not to feel.

Day two: woke up and for a moment i was happy before i realized what happened and then sadness. For most the day. Crying was common at times of severe loneliness typically while driving. Missed him, talked to him, felt like I should get over it and be friendly. Was friendly, he thought all was okay. hah, fooled him.
Day three: started to get a little better, friend called me, took me out, but then I started to remember things, find things all over my house that give me flashbacks, etc.

Day four: Getting pissed off because he decided it was what he wanted, then still managed to sleep with me one last time before ending it. Wait, really pissed off.

Day five: confused, without a purpose, lost. I just don’t know what to do with myself…..

I want to be happy. But I don’t want him to be…but that’s just a normal feeling. I don’t know how to feel. I don’t know what to do to keep myself busy.

It just hurts, but at the same time I feel nothing. Numb, but in pain. God I need to be at school to distract myself.

Sorry I’ve been gone, lots of studying and wasting time, you know how it is.

WARNING: contains emotional complaining and reasoning like I used to do on my old livejournal blog. It will probably make no sense, it’s just how my head is working through how I’m feeling right now. Turn back now. You’ve been warned.

But I think I finally understand the term “hopeless romantic.” And it’s actually much more hopeless and slightly more morbidly romantic than I think most people use it for.

Originally I thought it just meant you can’t help but be in love, you just love to be in love. But really, that’s just a romantic.

I think a hopeless romantic is someone who would rather love and lose than ever love at all. Cliche as it is, it makes a lot of sense.

They would rather love someone so much and know they loved them back that much, and then lose them to say, death, than to live a life of a bunch of half-loves.

Moulin Rouge helped me to figure this one out.

And I’m pretty sure that’s my problem. I put everything into every relationship, I never just half-ass it. If I didn’t try as hard and didn’t expect as much back, would I be happier?

Not to say I’m not happy. I’m actually much much happier than I’ve ever been. I still have my insane moments where I just lose it and all my insecurities come flooding out in a rush of jibberish, but they happen a lot less often than they used to. I used to have them ever few days, back when I was dating douchebag (blake).

Now it’s every few weeks, and only when I’m away from John. He takes care of me a lot better, but I feel bad because I still require so much effort and attention.

That’s why I try so hard to be the best girlfriend ever. I feel like if there are enough good things about me to cancel out my flaws, the person I’m with will put up with me. Too bad I feel like it’s my flaws that stick out, not all the good things.

It could be months in between my little freak outs, but when the next one happens, it feels like the last one was only days earlier.

And I hate it when people think I don’t know that I’m being irrational. I know very well that I can’t explain how I’m feeling and that what I’m feeling makes no sense and that I have no idea what’s going on in my head. I KNOW THAT! Trust me, it drives me nuts too.

I know the problem is with me, I just need someone to help me deal with it, because if I didn’t, I’d lay in my room and sulk.

During my little freak outs, I don’t eat, I don’t move, I don’t talk to many people. I just lay in bed and think. I try to use music to pull me out of it, but then I just end up listening to sad music.

Oh my flaws are many. The ones I’m aware of?

- I’m overly competitive to the point that I can lose friends over it
- I tend to like to be the victim so people will pay attention to me
- I am WAY too emotional, I have cried during commercials
- I need things, but I don’t always know what I need, I just know I need something
- I hold grudges like WOAH
- I think I talk about myself too much, I’m really self-centered
- In relationships, I want some kind of commitment or plan to feel secure, and I want constant reassurance, which means lots of attention

I really really hope my good qualities outweigh my flaws.

Why is it that people spend so much time and focus so intently on and only notice flaws?

ack, sorry, what a waste of a post.

I’ll probably have a new reader now. Below are the events that led to me giving my boyfriend the link to my blog.

My boyfriend’s name is John. We’ve been dating around 14th months now, that’s over a year and a substantial amount of time. Because I chose to go away to college, far far away, we’re currently in a long distance relationship. It has been working. Winter break was a lot of fun, but towards the end, things became strained.

We were doing the same thing a lot, which would leave to lots of things getting boring.

Leaving was hard, but who wouldn’t expect that? Then John was out of the country, so I wasn’t able to talk to him for over a week. It was difficult because we hadn’t left on a good note and then I was left to stew.

I had fun back at school, but I missed him tons. He came back, things felt awkward. We talked, but it wasn’t the same.

Then the argument came. Views were expressed. But really, they were just deeper problems being expressed in ineffective ways.

After that night, there wasn’t much talking. I was withdrawn. I didn’t want to push it. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to keep it up or just end it, but every time I thought about ending it, I just couldn’t.

I lost sleep. I couldn’t think. I couldn’t work. It was awful.

Later on that week, John came home from a night of light drinking and left me a message. I was still up, we talked. Things were more calm, were explained, and problems were figured out.

We realized we were too stuck in our ways. Things weren’t interesting anymore. We had stopped trying to make things fun. We had taken each other for granted.

And he mentioned that he knew I had a blog, and that it has always irritated him that there were things I didn’t tell him. I felt that was the time to offer him the link. I’m glad

He’s a great guy. I love him tons. And well, I’m happy now…well, happier.

So I’m sitting in my dorm room, on my bed, in the dark since my roommate is asleep. It’s 2:26am. I just got back from partying. I’m sober now, since I had to walk a few people back. There is a reason my friends call me “Sensible.”

But as much as I should be going to sleep since I have to be conscious at 2pm tomorrow for group project, I’m really stuck.

I think I may actually be depressed, or maybe it’s just normal to wish your boyfriend would call all day, then when he does, you aren’t happy at all and proceed to cry intensely while you dry your hair. I had to call my mom and talk to her, I felt so miserable. And then just cried on the phone to her too.

Most people would say I’m just stressed about finals. Nope, even though they are the week after next, I’m not worried at all.

I’m not sure why I’m so upset and depressed. All week I’ve felt distant from my boyfriend, maybe that’s it? I’ve hardly felt like I even have a boyfriend these past few days. I’m starting to wonder if it’s worth still being with him.

It’s so good when we’re together, and it’s good when we are apart if we talk. But we haven’t talked and I feel like such an afterthought to him sometimes.

The biggest problem with that? It’s exactly how my last boyfriend used to treat me, and I can’t bear to be treated like that again.

I wish my boyfriend would text me, or call me, or even talk online with me about something other than pointless youtube videos.

Is it wrong to just want to be reassured every now and then? It’s not like this is a new thing. I’m needy, I know it, he knows it. It’s pretty well known.

Maybe because it’s been a year he is just settled in and secure. I’d be okay if he told me that, I’d feel better. Mostly because he would have told me something.

It’s amazing how when you don’t talk to someone for about 2-3 days, you miss them like hell, and start to worry.

I suppose I should head to bed, stop complaining, and hope he talks to me tomorrow.

ps. even when I sounded miserable on the phone, does he ask if something is wrong? No, he has to make sure he gets to his party and sees everyone. That’s exactly what Blake would have done, and that scares me.

Two weeks till finals and this has been the easiest week ever. I’m sitting here eating lunch having just gotten out of class early because we couldn’t get sound for the movie we were going to watch. Tragic, yes? You’d think I’d be working hard, studying, having mountains of work to do before the end of the semester, but I’m actually finding that I’m bored. I don’t have any work to do other than finish a novel by Sunday. I suppose I should be using this time to do that, but uh…oh well.

Of the 10 classes I was supposed to have this week, I’m only going to have 6. It’s…just…so…wonderful….

Not being constantly stressed out makes college so much more fun and easier to deal with. Of course, it couldn’t be perfect.

I woke up this morning with this awful feeling that my relationship was falling apart. I know it’s not, we just haven’t spoken at lot in the past 4 days. I’ve probably only noticed it because I’ve had so much free time!

It may also be that I’m a bit jealous sometimes. How is it that I always find the guys who have all friends that are girls?

Yesterday he was reading the book I got him for fun for his birthday, I <3 Female Orgasm, but he wasn't reading it alone. He was reading it with his friend from downstairs, a girl. He would pop in every now and then via Instant Messenger to tell me how much they were enjoying the book.

Yeah, that sounds good. That’s exactly what I want to hear. hah.

Of course, I’m passive aggressive and while this irks me a little, I’m really not worried about it. It’s been a year, and he still hasn’t learned not to put his foot in his mouth. I used to be really good about just letting things like that go because I knew he just didn’t realize how I would take it, but I find now that each time he does that, it irks me just a little.

I trust him, but I can’t help but get irritated every now and then. Of course, I feel bad saying anything because it’s just bringing up conflict that I have created myself. And I’m too afraid to unsettle things so far apart, and so close to break.

I’m so needy it’s sad.

But, on the bright side, I’m kicking ass in my classes. Finals week is going to be a breeze! woohoo!

Right now I’m wondering about what I’m going to do this weekend. I’d love to go dancing, you don’t need to drink to do that…although, it helps. But I’m sure I can manage to dance like a hooooeeee (as Fergie would say) if I try real hard.

(11:49:45 PM) Boyfriend: i will protect you
(11:49:49 PM) Boyfriend: from zombies and rape
(11:49:55 PM) Me: and zombie rapists
(11:50:04 PM) Boyfriend: especially those

Just in case, It’s good to know things like this.