Maybe I’m just a little bitter. Or maybe, my instincts are accurate. Personally, I hope I’m just bitter.

Last night I put on my very favorite red dress that I always feel so good in because it’s just one of those dresses that looks good, no matter what. I wore it last night because I hoped that I would see new boy out, especially since I hadn’t seen him or really spoken more than a few texts here and there with him. I did my hair all nice, put on nice makeup, and went out for another night which can only be described as a flop of an evening.

Not only did I never see or hear from new boy last night, which I find frustrating in itself, I was subjected to the bitter tears and angry words from three different friends who all, of course, were not having a good time. I don’t remember when I was put in charge of them having a good time, would have been nice to know ahead of time.

Well, on top of that, I actually spent the entire evening talking to the wrong boy. Instead of new boy, who I am actually interested in and enjoy the company of, I got to hang out with the sob of a bitch that enjoys stringing me along for months at a time.

Two years this ass hole has been around, then not around, around, then not around. And I did eventually become fed up with it and move on. He of course, has not done the same. No, instead he sees me at the bar and makes an immediate b-line for me. He knows I’m seeing someone new (or not seeing, as it turns out) and still manages to throw all his game at me.

Arm around me, flirty touching, etc. etc. Even tried to buy me shots and walk me home. I wasn’t having it. I also wasn’t drunk. Cold medicine plus booze has proved a bad move, and I wans’t about to make that mistake. But I had about a beer and a half, and everyone else had most definitely had more. Always puts a fun spin on things.

Well eventually old jack ass boy got the hint and went home, not before trying to take me with him, but I had other things to deal with, such as the two crying girls that I had to take home. One crying because this guy that she kinda likes we basically ignoring her, and the other, well, she was just crying. Never figured that one out.

But we get home, and I find my roommate in the room, upset for the third night in a row. I’m sick of hearing her whining at night while she is drunk, especially when I get to hear it all over again the next morning because she didn’t remember that she had told me the night before.

I’m very much looking forward to my single room next year.

I still haven’t heard from New Boy, despite having sent him a text asking him how his night went. He was on a pub crawl with other friends, maybe he’s just really hung over, and I’m just bitter.

Or maybe the way I feel is actually right on the dot? Either way, there are two weeks left of my sophomore year, and while all i have left is two projects, a final paper, and a pass/fail exam to take, it still seems like it will be two very long weeks.

I suppose it’s time for an update. I’m not longer romantically dating John, instead, as two adults, we decided that in our current situations, him graduating and me…not, it was best that we become friends rather than feel so obligated as boyfriend and girlfriend.

But I don’t want to talk about it. So moving on!

Tonight was a pretty good night, till my fucking roommate came back.

The girls and I goofed off for a bit. Sucked helium out of balloons, ate a ton of candy, did a little taekwondo lesson, etc. etc.

Then we went to our BT2Go, the late night food place on campus we like to hit up and on the way back, I saw new boy coming to my dorm to surprise me! Except it wasn’t really a surprise because he had mentioned that he hadn’t seen me yet that day and didn’t want to ruin our streak. I met him about two weeks ago and we’ve hung out, even for only the briefest moments, every day since we met.

For now, He’ll be refered to as “New Boy.” A little background on this kid?

He’s brilliant. Smartest person I’ve ever met. He is here at school on a full ride, and is the only person I’ve ever seen who can sit and watch jeopardy every day and know every answer. Oh jeopardy…. Funny side story about that.

The other day, I was hanging out at his place, and we’re chillin in his room on his bed. Cuddling, chatting, and then he looks at the clock. He JUMPS UP! Like he is late for something important! Then says to me, “Jeopardy is on!!!”

I just stared blankly.  Smart people priorities….figures.

But anyway, back to the night I just had.

So he came over and we decide to watch Clerks 2. This decision is primarily based on the fact that I make a lot of references to the movie, and New Boy doesn’t get most of them because it’s been so long since he’s seen the movie. So since I am forced to watch all the stupid videos that he quotes so that I’m not left in the dark, I can make him watch the one movie I constantly quote.

Well after the movie and good foods (loaded fries and chocolate cake), we start chatting, getting cozy, being friendly. Well, we start to get friendlier when all the sudden I hear the key in the door.

My roommate, who was actually at New Boy’s place watching a movie with his roommate, decided to come back, no warning at all, and just barge in.

She doesn’t even say Hello. Instead she looks at new boy and goes “[NB’s Roommate] wants to know if you want a ride” since he had driven and dropped her off. Well he lives on the opposite side of campus from me, so of course he opted for the ride, but it took him a few minutes to decide if he really wanted to give up being friendly for a car ride. Of course then my roommate helped him make the decision by adding “I’m going to bed.”

By which she meant, “Leave now.”

And of course New boy and I can’t keep the princess from her slumber. I’d say beauty sleep, but that’s a stretch. Okay maybe not, but I’m pissed.

So I walked New Boy out to the car, like a good hostess. I come back to my room and my roommate is already in bed. She didn’t even apologize for the VERY obvious cock block that she caused me.

Well I’m extremely revved up right now, a little pissed off, and VERY sexually frustrated, and bitch-face roommate doesn’t seem to care. So I am gonna type as loud as I can, text all night, and maybe tomorrow, if I’m still angry, I’ll take John’s advice and pee in her shampoo.

That’s right people. Never piss off a passive aggresive, we do weird to you and we get under your skin.

Actually, I’m only slightly passive aggressive. I just have really good self control. Bitch is lucky I’m not smothering her with a pillow right now.

All I know is, being polite goes a long way. I understand if you’re tried, but apologize for god’s sake.

Or else you’re gonna end up with funny smelling hair. hmph.

So the other day I was riding in a car with some people on our way to somewhere. One of those random rides uptown. Well we were rocking to music most the time, but for the 5 seconds that it was not blasting, I was talking to the guy next to me.

My friend apparently had been working really hard during the party before the ride uptown to get him to talk to me. During this attempt to make him hit on me, she may have given a few details about me that did not need to be shared.

And as he and I were discussing how crazy bad she wanted us to hang out, he let slip that she had told him that I wasn’t a virgin.

I was mortified.

Who the fuck does that?!!?

The entire care heard, and the guy who said it, was like…oh shit I’m so sorry.

The guy driving the car goes “aaaand we’re turning the music back up.”  But all the music did was distract everyone from my beat red face.

The guy felt really bad he had accidently announced it to the entire car, but it’s not so much that, as my friend insinuated that because I’m not a virgin, that somehow that’s important, like I automatically put out or something?

Wow. Talk about awkward. At least the guy was nice about it, and was enough of a gentleman to 1) never bring it up again, and 2) not to try hook up with me. He had done enough damage. heh

So I went to walmart the other day on a weekend trip. Yeah again, college, we shop where it’s cheap.

And outside was this stand and a lady dressed in a nice suit. She was standing next to a little stand. There were books lined up and all I saw was “Dianetics” and I instantly knew before she even approached my friends and I, she was a scientologist. Ironically the first place I went was to the south park episode about Scientology. I laughed a little, especially when she came up to us and asked if we wanted a personality test.

I didn’t even stop. I kept walking and said, “No thanks, I don’t do cults. But tell Xenu I said hi.” She just looked at me, and I went inside walmart to do my shopping.

When I left I saw a poor woman sitting at the stand getting her personality test. They would no doubt tell her she is depressed and for a nominal fee, they can make her all better!

I don’t get sciontologist. I mean, I can understand the people that were born into it and just get it beat into their heads. Its not their fault! But the people like Tom Cruise who just all the sudden are like, OMGZ SCIENTOLOGY! on bull fucking shit.

Seriously, I mean…come on. You alienate people who disagree with you, accost those who are naysayers. Those who leave you, you threaten and kill.

and you DON’T see something wrong with that?

Man I can’t wait to get flamed for this, I hear they have people roaming the internet just to yell at people who say bad things about them.

I guess I get a little too pissed about this, I’ve just read so many article about people who came out to talk about this ridiculous cult and then are later killed….by the cult they tried to escape.

Religion is about morals…not about giving money to a cult developed by a science fiction writer.

GO ANONYMOUS! lolz

Sorry I’ve been gone, lots of studying and wasting time, you know how it is.

WARNING: contains emotional complaining and reasoning like I used to do on my old livejournal blog. It will probably make no sense, it’s just how my head is working through how I’m feeling right now. Turn back now. You’ve been warned.

But I think I finally understand the term “hopeless romantic.” And it’s actually much more hopeless and slightly more morbidly romantic than I think most people use it for.

Originally I thought it just meant you can’t help but be in love, you just love to be in love. But really, that’s just a romantic.

I think a hopeless romantic is someone who would rather love and lose than ever love at all. Cliche as it is, it makes a lot of sense.

They would rather love someone so much and know they loved them back that much, and then lose them to say, death, than to live a life of a bunch of half-loves.

Moulin Rouge helped me to figure this one out.

And I’m pretty sure that’s my problem. I put everything into every relationship, I never just half-ass it. If I didn’t try as hard and didn’t expect as much back, would I be happier?

Not to say I’m not happy. I’m actually much much happier than I’ve ever been. I still have my insane moments where I just lose it and all my insecurities come flooding out in a rush of jibberish, but they happen a lot less often than they used to. I used to have them ever few days, back when I was dating douchebag (blake).

Now it’s every few weeks, and only when I’m away from John. He takes care of me a lot better, but I feel bad because I still require so much effort and attention.

That’s why I try so hard to be the best girlfriend ever. I feel like if there are enough good things about me to cancel out my flaws, the person I’m with will put up with me. Too bad I feel like it’s my flaws that stick out, not all the good things.

It could be months in between my little freak outs, but when the next one happens, it feels like the last one was only days earlier.

And I hate it when people think I don’t know that I’m being irrational. I know very well that I can’t explain how I’m feeling and that what I’m feeling makes no sense and that I have no idea what’s going on in my head. I KNOW THAT! Trust me, it drives me nuts too.

I know the problem is with me, I just need someone to help me deal with it, because if I didn’t, I’d lay in my room and sulk.

During my little freak outs, I don’t eat, I don’t move, I don’t talk to many people. I just lay in bed and think. I try to use music to pull me out of it, but then I just end up listening to sad music.

Oh my flaws are many. The ones I’m aware of?

- I’m overly competitive to the point that I can lose friends over it
- I tend to like to be the victim so people will pay attention to me
- I am WAY too emotional, I have cried during commercials
- I need things, but I don’t always know what I need, I just know I need something
- I hold grudges like WOAH
- I think I talk about myself too much, I’m really self-centered
- In relationships, I want some kind of commitment or plan to feel secure, and I want constant reassurance, which means lots of attention

I really really hope my good qualities outweigh my flaws.

Why is it that people spend so much time and focus so intently on and only notice flaws?

ack, sorry, what a waste of a post.

Why do ex boyfriends have to be so awkward?

I mean, you deal with the whole break up thing and you try and stay friends, but then it doesn’t work because you find someone you like much better and you just don’t want to deal with the drama. Yet the persist and IM me and text me and send me awkward bumper stickers on facebook that they know my new boyfriend will see. Honestly, I think they do it on purpose.

I mean really, who sends a bumper sticker that says “Don’t drink and text” with a little phone that says “your hot. lets sex.” Really, that’s not going to make people wonder? Especially after you haven’t spoken for a few months. And then out of no where they see a bumper sticker and think of you?

And then there is the one that IMs me and says “I miss how you used to talk.” Really, I was under the impression that once things ended, you don’t talk like that anymore. Especially when again, haven’t spoken since before graduating high school. The conversation went as follows:

him - “hey”

me - “uh hi”

him - “long time since we’ve talked”

me - “yeah”

him - “I miss how we used to talk”

me - “I didn’t realize we were still friends”

him - “I didn’t realize we weren’t”

Usually when you don’t talk for over 6 months, friendship becomes “oh yeah, I knew that kid once.” I thought that was given. Turns out he just wanted to tell me about his new girl friend. She’s a gymnast. I’m so…happy for him? Not sure why he felt compelled to share that with me.

But yeah, I just had to rant about that. And for the record, I love drinking and texting. I have some of the best conversations with my boyfriend that way. teehee

Two weeks till finals and this has been the easiest week ever. I’m sitting here eating lunch having just gotten out of class early because we couldn’t get sound for the movie we were going to watch. Tragic, yes? You’d think I’d be working hard, studying, having mountains of work to do before the end of the semester, but I’m actually finding that I’m bored. I don’t have any work to do other than finish a novel by Sunday. I suppose I should be using this time to do that, but uh…oh well.

Of the 10 classes I was supposed to have this week, I’m only going to have 6. It’s…just…so…wonderful….

Not being constantly stressed out makes college so much more fun and easier to deal with. Of course, it couldn’t be perfect.

I woke up this morning with this awful feeling that my relationship was falling apart. I know it’s not, we just haven’t spoken at lot in the past 4 days. I’ve probably only noticed it because I’ve had so much free time!

It may also be that I’m a bit jealous sometimes. How is it that I always find the guys who have all friends that are girls?

Yesterday he was reading the book I got him for fun for his birthday, I <3 Female Orgasm, but he wasn't reading it alone. He was reading it with his friend from downstairs, a girl. He would pop in every now and then via Instant Messenger to tell me how much they were enjoying the book.

Yeah, that sounds good. That’s exactly what I want to hear. hah.

Of course, I’m passive aggressive and while this irks me a little, I’m really not worried about it. It’s been a year, and he still hasn’t learned not to put his foot in his mouth. I used to be really good about just letting things like that go because I knew he just didn’t realize how I would take it, but I find now that each time he does that, it irks me just a little.

I trust him, but I can’t help but get irritated every now and then. Of course, I feel bad saying anything because it’s just bringing up conflict that I have created myself. And I’m too afraid to unsettle things so far apart, and so close to break.

I’m so needy it’s sad.

But, on the bright side, I’m kicking ass in my classes. Finals week is going to be a breeze! woohoo!

Right now I’m wondering about what I’m going to do this weekend. I’d love to go dancing, you don’t need to drink to do that…although, it helps. But I’m sure I can manage to dance like a hooooeeee (as Fergie would say) if I try real hard.

Happy Belated Thanksgiving to everyone!

I don’t really have an particularly fun stories from break. My cousin got engaged. I guess that’s cool. However, all Thanksgiving really did was cement my contempt for my extended family. One cousin, the one getting married, is a fat, lazy bastard. The next cousin is probably going to live at home for the rest of his life. And the third and youngest cousin, wants to go to college, but oh my god, she is the biggest little bitch I’ve ever met. My aunt and uncle are cool I guess, even though they called my education “a waste of money.”

But enough about my extended family that I don’t usually own up to…

I was pleased that I got to hang out with my favorite every day. He even surprised me the day I got home. He also made me hot chocolate and took care of me while I was feeling sick.

That was another thing, I got ridiculously sick for break. Ear infection and some crazy nasty cold. Feeling better now though.

I think I would normally be more lighthearted in my post, except that the break ended so badly. I went to my boss’s party, and got hammered. It was a poor choice, as is eating chipotle then binge drinking patron tequila shots. Needless to say, I ended up in the bathroom. Not only was it humiliating, it was painful. I wasn’t even lucky enough to black out.

luckily, and for this my boyfriend deserves a medal, He drove me home and took care of me. Not before I fell out of my car and crawled to the grass so I could throw up on my lawn. Ah memories…

Well I requested that he stay the night with me and take care of me. He was averse to it, and said he’d walk home. I was having none of that, so I made him stay. Another poor choice on my part.

It was great to have him close by if I needed anything, but the next morning when I drove him home, my parents saw us leaving. This resulted in them being furious with me. And I had to catch a flight in an hour.

Essentially, My parents called me cruel names which I don’t think I really deserved and told me to act my age. But, I thought that’s how people behaved when they are 18, young, and stupid?

But it really upset me, that and I was hungover and tired as fuck. So on my incredibly painful flight home, I decided I needed to make a few changes in my life.

1) Take a break from drinking. Yeah, college is pretty much known for that, but it might be the memories of spewing chipotle burrito into a toilet that are driving this decision. Plus, I’ll probably drop 5 pounds. Always a perk!

2) No more drinking at home.

3) Spend more time with my parents. Apparently, I don’t spend enough time with them, or have enough free time for them to decide for us to do something.

4) No more smexing up my boyfriend at my house while my parents are upstairs and awake.
5) Be less open with my parents about my habits. The less they know, probably the better.

So those are my 5 new rules to live buy. I just want my “good girl” image back. The only people that think I’m innocent anymore are my boyfriends parents, and I love the way they treat me because of it.  Hopefully I can stick to it. That is, until my boyfriend and I head up to Quebec where we will be sleeping in the same room, skiing/snowboarding daily, and the drinking age is 18.

And talk about irony, My boyfriend turns 21 and the next week I decide to stop drinking. Perfect timing.

So in every dorm there are RAs and usually their job is just to make sure no one dies or causes disruptions. Otherwise, they should stay in their rooms and be around for questions.

My RA is absolutely awesome. I eat dinner with her and we share drunk stories and gossip. She’s hella cool. But her staff is not quite as awesome as she is.

There is one RA in my Dorm that seems to think he is God’s gift to discipline, and that he must enforce as many rules as possible, but at the same time, he has absolutely no boundaries.

Now, I might be slightly bitter that he wrote up a friend of mine for drinking with absolutely no real evidence other than the fact that he “smelled” like beer. Suuure… But regardless, that’s not my major complaint about him.

For some reason, this RA, who we all call “Pony Tail” because he has long hair that he always pulls back in a tight, girly pony tail, seems to think he does not have any boundaries and because he is an RA, he can say whatever we wants to us.

The first time I felt he wasn’t sure where to draw the line was when I was watching tv with him and some other people and he starts telling us about his sexual exploits. He tells us that he’s all about pleasing the woman, and he doesn’t care if the woman reciprocates. Then he shares with us that he has done everything but vaginal sex, because he is just scared of babies.

I had a major WTF?! moment right then. Dude, you don’t share that with people. *shudder*

The second time I had a run in with Pony Tail was while I was sitting in my room with the door open, and I was texting my boyfriend when he walks in. I shut my phone since I don’t want him to read it, to which he goes “ohhh someone is having text sex!” he didn’t know I was texting my boyfriend. Then he turns to my roommate and goes “You’re roommate is a dirty whore!”

…..WTF DUDE. When is it EVER okay to call a girl a dirty whore? At that moment, I no longer respected him. He barges into my room, accuses me of sexual acts, and then with no basis calls me a dirty whore? SO NOT OKAY.

But that’s just my run ins with him. He has also talked to girls in my hall. One girl told us that he walks into her room, and has a twenty minute conversation with her about her period and birth control. Another girl reported him talking to her about sex. And for some reason he felt it was okay to call another girl “Porn Girl.”

Now, I know for a fact that it’s not okay for any guy to say these things. And he is an authority figure. No one respects him.

Talk about some serious sexual harassment.

We reported him to our RA, and he has been thus forth told to not go near our corridor. Hopefully the rest of the corridors will start reporting him too because I know there are more complaints.

So from about 5am - 8am I suffered multiple bad dreams, multiple awakenings by RM, and multiple bodily issues. Let me begin.

First off, I had a dream that I was at a party. Good beginning right? Parties are fun, meet new people and such. Well, I walk over to these two people exchanging numbers to chat. Turns out, the guy is giving the girl, who also happens to be the floor whore, my boyfriend’s number. I mention to the guy I know him and that I’m his girlfriend. He is excited, starts talking to me. Then drops the big “so I heard he was kissing [random girl’s name] again the other night.”

I was DEVASTATED. and what’s worse, is I woke up feeling the same way. I woke up wanting to cry. Dream cheating sucks man.

Then, after managing to fall back asleep, seeing as RM had woken me up with her obnoxiously loud alarm clock at about 6:50am, I started to dream about my neighborhood back home. Thing was, I was watching all these cops run around to try and stop some guys from blowing shit up. Now, sounds cool right? It was cool until it somehow became my dorm room, and these random loud cops kept running in and out of my room. (Once again awoken by RM, roughly 7:2am0) Then this one cop comes in with a large loud cleaner thing, and then starts going through my underwear drawer and folding everything. (Awoken by roommate, roughly 7:50am. She is finally leaving for class) Then, because I’m freaking out in my dream, I ask for an advil or something from the guy. He hands me a pill, I take it. Next thing I know, I’m freaking the fuck out in my dream, and rooms are combining, there are like 9 people in my room with about 6 beds and desks, and loud ass music, and I realize the cop totally slipped me some nasty shit.

Then, I am rescued by RM from my dream (hah) when she calls me at about 8:16am to let her into the dorm because she is standing outside and totally forgot her ID card that she needs to (1) get into chem, (2) get into the dorm, (3) get food. Good work sweetheart. So I had to go downstairs after just waking up to let her in. I must have been a sight.

My alarm was set for 8:30, since my class started at 9:30. I didn’t bother to go back to sleep.

So I head to the bathroom to do my morning crap. Two shitty things occur.

(1) I realized I have started my period. GAH. As good as this is for knowing I wont be having babies, still sucks for the fact that I have to deal with it for the next few days.

(2) My navel piercing hurts like a MOFO. I was laying in bed and it throbbed. I stand up and it throbbed. I tried to wash it out and I almost cried it hurt so bad.

and now I’m pretty sure it’s raining outside, which mean I have to walk across campus to my stupid lecture class that I don’t actually have to show up in except to turn shit in, and I’m gonna get soaked, cold, and probably catch a fatal illness.

Today is going to suck royally.