Now I’ve worked very hard to keep personal complaints about relationships off here, but it’s late at night, my mom is asleep, and I’m going nuts because of two things. 1) I have no where to type how I feel since I don’t want to be “that girl” on facebook, and 2) I can’t possibly know what’s going on on the other end. Needless to say, I’m a bit antsy. My fingers continue to drum the edge of my laptop. I check my phone ever few minutes…more like seconds. And I only got to three pages on my 8 page paper I really need to have done by Thursday. I’m a bit distracted.

Let my lay it down.

I’m frustrated because I was at a party last night and I was lonely. It’s hard to watch your friends couple up and you’re standing alone in the middle of the room realizing that you’re either just standing there constantly checking your phone for a text, or your the third wheel in someone else’s conversation. I chose the second so only two people would think I was a loser at a time.

I went home early and still got to watch my roommate and her boyfriend cuddle. Who knows what else after I was asleep. And I found myself miserable.

and I woke up miserable. But it wasn’t just the night before that was bothering me. It’s been a personal thing, I’ve just been so unsure about my life right now. Maybe it’s just that time of the year since a friend of mine and his girlfriend just broke up because she was feeling the same way. They had been dating 5 years. I’m sure they will get back together so there is no issue there.

But with a background of feeling unsure about things, I was not in a good place. It didn’t help that my boyfriend had rightfully so been off doing other things. I didn’t mind, it’s just each time he left right before I got up the nerve to tell him I was feeling down. Nothing would have been a problem, but it just ended up being bad timing. I kept saying I’d do it tomorrow. Unfortunately, I got upset and angry before that tomorrow came.

So I get angry, I couldn’t help it. I felt alone and left alone.

Now, there is something so easy to say to that. “I’m sorry, I had something else I really had to do. I didn’t realize how upset you were, but I couldn’t be taken away from what I was doing. How are you doing now? Is everything okay? What’s bothering you?”

Anything along those lines would have been perfect. But I got lectured. I guess it’s a normal reaction to tell someone off that you think is in the wrong, but that’s if they don’t know they are in the wrong. I knew I was being stupid, but don’t girls get a free pass for that or something? Or can’t it be like sick days?

But I wasn’t having it and I just walked away from it. And I’ve been driving myself up a wall ever since. I called my mom and she called me weak for wanting to make contact after twenty minutes. Typical me right? Well I really didn’t want to be the girl that you think “oh, she’s upset now but she’ll suck it up and talk to me later about it.”

No, I can’t be that. I don’t want to be that weak. I know that is so shallow and such a game, but call it a pride thing. I can have a little pride, can’t I?

But at the same time, I don’t know what’s going on that end. It’s like being broken up all over again. Does he care AT ALL? Or is he just playing rock band, just waiting till I break and am right back saying I’m sorry, I’m totally in the wrong, It’s all my fault?
Well it’s been about 11 hours since I just walked away from the conversation….and nothing.

Around midnight I had a moment of weakness, I really wanted to say something. I mean, I know that he has things he has to do. Family is always first, I get that. People can’t always be around.

But when you need them, isn’t that when they have to? Or should I just have sucked it up last night? Gone home, cried, felt alone, then gotten over it?

I guess being unsure, having doubts about life in general, and mixing that with alcohol and being lonely just breeds problems.

But why then when he is lonely, I’m there to text him? To make him feel better? But I don’t get the same because he had something else he had to do, somewhere else he had to be?

I’m repeating old habits. It’s just like three years ago, letting myself get upset because I was alway always always around and that one never was?

I feel better saying it, guess I’m still just that young. My mom has years of experience on me and can tell me what she would do, but she and I are so different. She always had a guy for backup when she decided she was bored with the current boy. I just never had that in me. Every relationship, friendship, romantic, or family, I consider it the most important thing. I guess that’s why I always take things harder than she thinks I should.

Let me just tell you though, it’s hard to hear your mother say to you: “I wish you were a stronger person.”

So I’ve been cheating on my boyfriend…..with Chuck Bass.

okay not really, but I’ve been listening to that new song “Womanizer” by Britney Spears and it reminds me of him. He is also my favorite character from the show Gossip Girl. Last season it was Serena and Dan, but they just irritate me now. Chuck is much more intriguing.

Why does this character interest me? because he is wounded and takes it out by being not only a great business man, he is also cunning, clever, devious, and is probably awesome in bed.

SO many times I find myself saying, “OH! Chuck you are so bad!” But then I remember his epic line: “I’m Chuck Bass.” and then all is well again.

So life is just a game to him, so he has slept with a million girls. He is damn entertaining to follow as a character, and well, the guy who plays him on the does a great job.

Oh Chuck, you just so sexy!!

I went to dinner at Applebee’s last night and it was really interesting how they have implemented some new technology. There is a new device that you can press a button and it alerts your waiter by buzzing a thing on his wrist. So if you need him….just press the button.

Great idea, but it’s alway kind of awkward to have this little device sitting at your table. I couldn’t help but wonder if the waiter was listening in.

We mentioned “Big Brother” to the waiter, and he said that we weren’t the first to say that. In fact a woman earlier that day had said the same thing! haha

Oh, and the waiter…well he was interesting. He got down on his knees, table height, to take our order. I think it’s a new applebee’s thing or something. But it was odd. And he would get real close to talk to me.

I must have smiled too much because when he brought me the check, he also brought me a napkin rose with leaves and the flower part was dipped in something to make it red. I took it home to be nice.

Well we were sitting and talking at the table for a while, and he came up to us and asked if my friend and I were in college. We said yes, told him where. Casual convo. Asked what where we worked…and I stupidly told him Friendly’s…

He asked when I worked..and I stupidly told him… And he said he would drop by.

Now this would be awesome if say…he had been cute.

But he spoke with a difficult to understand accent, was from El Salvador, and was 24 years old.

That’s a little too old for me, but the gesture and the attention was really nice.

Guess I should start wearing that cute red dress more often! hehe

My progression of emotions throughout this breakup so far.
Day one: sad, tired, unable to talk to other people about it, just wadecd to cry, and eventually numb because I distanced myself from people and just tried not to feel.

Day two: woke up and for a moment i was happy before i realized what happened and then sadness. For most the day. Crying was common at times of severe loneliness typically while driving. Missed him, talked to him, felt like I should get over it and be friendly. Was friendly, he thought all was okay. hah, fooled him.
Day three: started to get a little better, friend called me, took me out, but then I started to remember things, find things all over my house that give me flashbacks, etc.

Day four: Getting pissed off because he decided it was what he wanted, then still managed to sleep with me one last time before ending it. Wait, really pissed off.

Day five: confused, without a purpose, lost. I just don’t know what to do with myself…..

I want to be happy. But I don’t want him to be…but that’s just a normal feeling. I don’t know how to feel. I don’t know what to do to keep myself busy.

It just hurts, but at the same time I feel nothing. Numb, but in pain. God I need to be at school to distract myself.

It’s funny who I end up running back to for comfort when I’m feeling sad. I of course talked to all my friends, and they helped, but oddly enough I found the most contentment when talking to my Ex boyfriend Blake. From like, two years ago haha

Maybe it was the comment about the fact that I’m not cursed and that who knows, he might end up in ohio eventually. Not that I want him back, not something on my mind at all, but it feels pretty good to know that he might still have a thing for me.

Then of course he invites me to come and stay with him while his parents are away. And damn is it tempting. He lives on a beauuutiful lake and has a boat, and his house is incredible. Though I’m not sure it would be worth the 5 hour flight - oy.

At least the thought was there.
On the bright side, it does show that I can stay friends with ex boyfriends. There is still hope!

so as I mentioned before, I was in the middle of a break up with John. I was miserable, crying constantly, numb, etc. etc. all the typical breakup stuff.

I’m actually thinking about some kind of guide book to the female breakup. There seem to be a long of things that I feel like all women go through and things all women feel. I’ve been through three different kinds of break ups now, I have a decent understanding. Not fully, but give me a few years.

Anyway, back to my point. So tonight after my friend took me out to dinner, my first meal in two days, I sat online and stared at my aim. John was on and I couldn’t help but wonder what he was doing. I would check his facebook constantly, my facebook constantly, you know, just for any sympathy.

I just never knew if it was okay to talk to him or create some space.

We broke up because me being far away at school caused a significant strain that neither one of us could handle anymore, and also because well, the initial spark to our relationship was gone, we had really just become best friends. It was a different kind of love.

But the sex was still awesome.

Then I noticed a window pop up. It was John, he just wanted to say hi.

I stared a few minutes, not knowing what to do. Eventually I simply replied  “hi”.

We talked about things, it was stiff conversation. I was still hurt, he was worried about me, it was a hard time to talk. Eventually I started sharing how I felt, and I got upset. It went on like this for an hour.

Eventually though, something snapped. I just realized that I have half a summer left, it wasn’t worth being absolutely miserable like I was, and it was not worth losing my best friend over.

I can accept that things will be different. It’s hard, but I can accept it. I don’t want to, but I guess I’ll have to.

I love him, I really do. Maybe not in the right way right now. But things felt so right. I guess I can’t help but wonder if it just needs a few years, maybe the spark just took a vacation. Who knows, I don’t even know how that stuff works really.

For now though, I have my best friend back.

and as I write this post, I’m sharing my very tiny twin bed with both my dog and my cat since my mom is out of town. And they have taken over. I have very little space. lol I hope they don’t kick/bite/ or scratch!

Why do ex boyfriends have to be so awkward?

I mean, you deal with the whole break up thing and you try and stay friends, but then it doesn’t work because you find someone you like much better and you just don’t want to deal with the drama. Yet the persist and IM me and text me and send me awkward bumper stickers on facebook that they know my new boyfriend will see. Honestly, I think they do it on purpose.

I mean really, who sends a bumper sticker that says “Don’t drink and text” with a little phone that says “your hot. lets sex.” Really, that’s not going to make people wonder? Especially after you haven’t spoken for a few months. And then out of no where they see a bumper sticker and think of you?

And then there is the one that IMs me and says “I miss how you used to talk.” Really, I was under the impression that once things ended, you don’t talk like that anymore. Especially when again, haven’t spoken since before graduating high school. The conversation went as follows:

him - “hey”

me - “uh hi”

him - “long time since we’ve talked”

me - “yeah”

him - “I miss how we used to talk”

me - “I didn’t realize we were still friends”

him - “I didn’t realize we weren’t”

Usually when you don’t talk for over 6 months, friendship becomes “oh yeah, I knew that kid once.” I thought that was given. Turns out he just wanted to tell me about his new girl friend. She’s a gymnast. I’m so…happy for him? Not sure why he felt compelled to share that with me.

But yeah, I just had to rant about that. And for the record, I love drinking and texting. I have some of the best conversations with my boyfriend that way. teehee

So I met this guy at a PIKE party the other night. It was a Shot party, 12 different shots, one given out every 15 minutes. It was AWESOME. But anyone, I met this kid, and he likes to text me when he is drunk now. This is often since he is a pledge, pretty much every day of the week.

But this past weekend, he kept asking where I was, since I obviously was not at the PIKE party. I was in my room, chilling, because I was tired.

At one point, he sends me: “Do you mind if I come back to your room and help you study?”

I laughed. I laughed a lot.

I sent back: “I don’t see how you can help, I’m not in a human anatomy class.”

I thought I was being pretty clever, but when I got a message back…. he didn’t get it.
I was so disappointed I wasted a perfectly good joke on a drunk boy who wanted just wanted to go to a party in my pants. Alas, he was not invited.
Ah well, two weeks and I get to study someone else’s anatomy very closely. and well, I am very excited for that.

I’ll probably have a new reader now. Below are the events that led to me giving my boyfriend the link to my blog.

My boyfriend’s name is John. We’ve been dating around 14th months now, that’s over a year and a substantial amount of time. Because I chose to go away to college, far far away, we’re currently in a long distance relationship. It has been working. Winter break was a lot of fun, but towards the end, things became strained.

We were doing the same thing a lot, which would leave to lots of things getting boring.

Leaving was hard, but who wouldn’t expect that? Then John was out of the country, so I wasn’t able to talk to him for over a week. It was difficult because we hadn’t left on a good note and then I was left to stew.

I had fun back at school, but I missed him tons. He came back, things felt awkward. We talked, but it wasn’t the same.

Then the argument came. Views were expressed. But really, they were just deeper problems being expressed in ineffective ways.

After that night, there wasn’t much talking. I was withdrawn. I didn’t want to push it. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to keep it up or just end it, but every time I thought about ending it, I just couldn’t.

I lost sleep. I couldn’t think. I couldn’t work. It was awful.

Later on that week, John came home from a night of light drinking and left me a message. I was still up, we talked. Things were more calm, were explained, and problems were figured out.

We realized we were too stuck in our ways. Things weren’t interesting anymore. We had stopped trying to make things fun. We had taken each other for granted.

And he mentioned that he knew I had a blog, and that it has always irritated him that there were things I didn’t tell him. I felt that was the time to offer him the link. I’m glad

He’s a great guy. I love him tons. And well, I’m happy now…well, happier.

Sometimes I forget my boyfriend is male….

(10:22:31 PM) John: i wanna play with boobieeees

but it’s okay, as long as they are mine.

– goodness my friends have been quotable recently!