Now, you often hear about people’s run ins with the cops. This past weekend….I had two.

Now, consider it just dumb luck, or flat out stupidity. When it comes to college students, the times we escape the fuz is the dumb luck. I think this time, stupidity just caught up with us.

Friday night, I skipped my Friday workout to jump on board with the girls in my hall’s camping trip. They had forgotten to invite me. No really, they asked me that day why I wasn’t going. Then realized they had never asked me, and instead just assumed I was going. So I convinced my injured friend D who was on crutches to come with me and go with the girls to camping, about 30 minutes off campus.

Well, I find out when we get there that all they brought was Vodka, which just isn’t my friend. And they bought PopOff at that, the cheapest vodka you can buy in Ohio.

Here’s an interesting fact. You can’t buy everclear in ohio. The alcohol content is too high. No wonder Jungle Juice sucks here.

Anyway, so it’s about 9 girls and 8 boys at this camp site. It got dark pretty early, and we started drinking at 6:30pm. Most the campers were sloshed by 9, I on the other hand was having a hard time seeing as Vodka just tastes like shit. Eventually though, I decide to suck it up because I was bored out of my mind. I take three shots of vodka, and chase it, because that’s just necessary.

Then I feel that I need to go to the bathroom. Me and two girls, including D on her crutches, walk to the bathroom, and on our way there, this cop stops. He gets out of his car, and luckily walks right past us. Hmmm, wonder where he is headed…. I call back to the campsite and let them know what’s coming there way. We get to the bathroom, and I have to maneuver around a bunch of 5 year olds, as the first shot begins to strike. Not too hard really. Then, after I finish what I have to do, the rest of the girls come to the bathroom and tell us that the cop is just standing there. Interesting.

Second shot hits. I decide that there is no way I am going back.

D, having finally sobered up starts to notice that I’m….not too emotionally okay. I seem to have been walking around telling people I was not okay to go back.

D realizes that I am correct in this, as the third shot hits. She decides she needs to drive me home.

So we get back to her car, which is on the other campsite, and I get in and straight away call my boyfriend. The minute he says hello, I start bawling. Mmmm shot number three of cheap shitty vodka. It’s always the third one.

D is all ready to drive me home, then one of the boys come and snatches her keys away, believing she is not okay to drive. Well, she gets her crutches out of the back and chases after him. All the while the cop is at the camp site and I’m in the car bawling.

Eventually she comes back and he head out, only to realize that we aren’t completely sure how to get home. Most the ride, all I remember is crying, having to pee like a race horse, and at one point giving the phone to D and having to get out to ask the car behind me which way to go.

Eventually, we got back to the room. My roommate was there with a friend. I walk right past them, not a word. Jump on my bed, and pass out.

And I believe, it all ended at 1:30am.

Later that night though, My ex calls me up, drunk. And I got to listen to him throw up while on the phone. Lovely.

But that was Friday! Saturday will be awesome! Yes? No.

Saturday night, I get all dressed up in my pretty new dress, do my hair, put on some smexy eyeliner. I looked damn hot. I was gonna go help my friend, Phil, celebrate his birthday. Of course, due to his own drinking violation that past Friday, he wasn’t drinking. By the time I found the party he was at, they were out of beer, or mostly. I shotgunned one beer, then realized I had a two beer tolerance to feel anything. So I was sober all night. Phil and I got stuck walking around with all our drunk friends, getting declined from parties and such.

Eventually, we are walking down the street, and this cop drives by. He stops. Gets out of his car. And walks over to our group. Most of us keep walking, but he calls back two of my friends. They had been arguing. The cop asks if they had been drinking. They say no, sir. But then realize, that they aren’t sure if it was a male or female cop. Hah.

Well, thank god they pulled it together. Because they only got warnings. One more ‘warning’ and they are getting arrested. eek.

Then we walked around, and again, were home by 1:30pm.

Okay, so I never actually ran into the cops myself. I do consider that lucky. But I can’t say I had a very good weekend. Upset or Sober. Yick.

On the list of thing I never thought I’d do, kissing a stripper was probably right up there around 3 or 4.

Last night I went out with some of my favorite people, My boyfriend, and two friends from my TKD school, and we went to Nightshift — a strip club. It was my first time, and my she-friends first time. Sure, it was a little awkward at first, walking in seeing this naked woman doing some nasty dancing for some skeevy middle aged men, but we sat down in the fun rolling chairs, and offered up some ones. God strip joints are fun.

I think it is a necessary thing for every person to go to a strip club at least once and stick singles in a woman’s well….anywhere you can put it really.

My friend had a fake, so she could drink, and she was really enjoying the night. The best part is when you get them to take the money. My friend had it down her shirt, the stripper (bare vagina naked mind you) snatched the dollar from her tube top and does a little licking/sucking. Talk about awkward! Then, the girl grabs me by the shirt, puts the dollar in my mouth and its a little kiss-exchange. No really, I honestly never thought I would ever kiss a stripper. But, I suppose it’s one more thing to cross off my list. Then the next stripper says to me, “Let me show you something. You have to reach!” and has me put the dollar in her ass crack.

So yeah, you know, anywhere you can put the dollar, you’re good. And for the record, that’s why money is dirty.
My boyfriend mind you, is sitting right next to me. He had asked me when we walked in, “so what can I do?” Lets be realistic, I don’t really care what he does, as long as he brings the lovin’ back home to me. But the one rule was, “Think it, don’t say it.” I’d rather not know how extensively he knows strip clubs.

A stripper had his named tattooed on her leg. We all got a good laugh about that. She claimed her name was tattooed on his ass. I might have to check next time. hah.

My she-friend then was guilted into a lap dance – they always go for the drunk girls. She found it very awkward to talk about school and college for 10 minutes while the girl took off her top and nipple-licked. Oh, the visual.

I picked the girl I thought my boyfriend should get a lap dance from. She was totally hot. But she left before he got a chance — so sad. But man, those things are steep. $60 dollars? I’d rather just fish singled into a g-string and critique the strippers’ bodies.

You know in general, good bodies but icky saggy boobs. Some of them I would hope could maybe afford some boob jobs and maybe jump start their career a little more.

Is it awkward to point out to your boyfriend that the woman dancing naked in front of both of you has a clit piercing? yeah, I looked.

Eventually they closed and we all had to head home. I smelled like an ash tray, we got lost trying to get home, and we had to drop my drunk ass friend off at her house. By the time we got back to our cars, it was 3am. We had gone out at 11:30pm.

The only disappointment was that my boyfriend and I, but mostly him, were too tired to partake in any exciting activities, even after an entire night of naked dancing women! But what can ya do?

Just know, that as a father, a man has one purpose in life. And that is to keep his daughter off the pole.

Well, I’m back from beach week now. I’ll give the rundown.

Day 1: Almost got evicted. Three girls in a motel room, and we almost got evicted. We weren’t even there 5 minutes before the boys upstairs invited us to their party, but did they get evicted? nooo, we have a few friend over for some pong, and we get threatened with eviction. I’ll be honest, I’m a little bitter. Otherwise, we all got drunk and frolicked on the beach. And how do you spell easy? A-M-Y. My dear friend Amy found making friends very easy… She didn’t seem to mind laying over a few boys on the drunk bus and sharing a few kisses.

A typical conversation between her and a new boy would go as follows:

Amy (slurring) “hiiiiii!”

Boy “Hello”

Amy (still slurring) “how are you?”

Boy “good. you been drinking” (as he begins to think he might get lucky)

Amy (giggling and slurring) “you’re cuuute!” *kiss!*

Boy “oohh”

The rest of us “AMY! This is our stop lets GO!”

Amy (sigh) “gosh… BYE BOY!”

Now, just imagine her laying across two boys laps on a bus, or sitting waiting to get on a bus at the bus stop. But it’s alright, She’s still a great party buddy, when she isn’t looking to get raped…

More about about the drunk bus though. Many a times I found myself on the drunk bus, which runs from the inlet at Ocean city all the way to Delaware, at around 3am. You meet the most amusing people. At one point, we were sitting on the bus and across from us were these two boys who had been evicted from their place and frankly had no where to go. Their solution? Ride the bus….all night long. I guess they didn’t really have a choice seeing as it is illegal to sleep on the beach, even though I saw a few people doing so. At least…I think they were sleeping.

This is where Cartman echos in my head about sand in the vagina. Srsly uncomfortable sex, no?

Day 2: the only day I got to spend on the beach. Burnt my legs. Drank and got my ass kicked at pong. Otherwise boring night. Of course, we only got to drink after we got to my friend’s place and she told us no party. We walked for ages and then got turned down. Was not pleased. Then a bunch of my friends passed out on the beach.

Moving on.

Day 3: It was cloudy so no beach but then we went up to my friend’s party way up on 133rd street (we were on 29th – long bus ride). That was a great time. Played some more pong on their ridiculously short table. One guy though, did about 15 beer bongs? Something ridiculous like that. Projectile vomited, then spent at least 2 hours over a trashcan before passing out naked on the toilet. There were pictures, but I wasn’t able to get one with my camera, otherwise I would totally post it. We decided to leave once two more people passed out in the other bathroom so we couldn’t even get the door open.

Day 4: Woke up at like 3pm. Watched Brink, the old Disney movie about inline skating. Did not step out of my motel room till my boyfriend got there. Was very excited. Went back to my friend’s from the night before. Watched my boyfriend dominate at pong. Found out almost everyone watched Brink that day. At one point, I believe I was wearing a tinfoil bra and skirt. Then my friend got really sick, threw up all over my jeans and feet. Again, was NOT pleased. My friend and I had to step in the shower to wash off our feet, of course, the bathroom was in high demand so while he had the water running we were having a conversation with this boy that was going to the bathroom. Good thing we had been drinking, otherwise that might have been awkward. My boyfriend and I left. I don’t remember the bus ride home. I do remember that after I passed out that night for two hours when we got back, I had a darn good time.

Apparently, after we left the police came because some of the friends of the girl that got sick were worried about her, like she had alcohol poisoning or something-hah-but they left, and didn’t warn anyone before the called. Most my friends got $500 citations that well, suck.

Day 5: Went to hooters. I got a tank top. It was awesome. Of course while we were there, my friend went to the bathroom, and there were some guys huffing something and my friend got a whiff of it. He wasn’t right all night. He described it like “it looks like it’s day time…AT NIGHT!” We were a little worried. Went to bed late.

Day 6: got RUDELY woken up by our gay land lord person really early because we missed check out. He gave me a panic attack. Literally couldn’t breath, rapid heart rate, and crying. We had to pack up EVERYTHING in less than 15 minutes while he was yelling at us and threating to have us arrested for trespassing. Not. Cool. Played some mini golf to calm down, then drove home. My friends slept while I drove. The only perk? Cheap gas.

I was so glad to be home.

I’ve decided that beach week is really just all hype with little delivery. Or else, I just didn’t do it right. People keep asking me how my trip was. I’ll be honest, I don’t really want to talk about it.

Oh! and I have a new laptop! yay! =D

So I work at a Tae kwon do school, and teach a lot of children. I always love messing with the children because well, lets face it, they are not all the brightest crayons in the box. Unfortunately, martial arts tend to draw both athletes, but also those who need to learn to protect themselves because of their nerdy/geekyness (like my boyfriend… I mean… oops.)

I never like to miss an opportunity to scar a child, frighten them, or just plain make them cry. Call me cruel, but someone has to give these kids a tough skin. Plus standing for 4 hours every day and counting can get a little old. I need to liven things up a little.

The other night at work, I had a fantastic opportunity, and I took it.

There is a program at my school call the Little Ninjas for children 4-6 years old. I’m usually in charge of these kids. I know, what were they thinking?

So the kid asks me, while I’m trying to teach no less, how old I am. I reply quite frankly:

“I am 112 years old, but I drink the blood of children to stay looking young.”

He stares at me a moment, trying to comprehend what I just said. Then says:

“But you look 21….”

In response, I add:

“I only look 21 because I drink the blood of children. Now be quiet before I drink your blood. I feel like I’m starting to look 22.”

He didn’t say a word for the rest of class. He probably went home and told his mom and I’m going to go back to a serious complaint.

It was worth it though. Totally worth it. That kid wont look at me the same ever again, I’ll bet.

ahahahahahahahahaha! *turns into a bat and flys away*

Ever been in a really awkward situation, or just been in the middle of a really awkward silence? Personally, I like to label the situation by just saying “AWKWARD!” This usually helps the awkwardness pass.

Of course, sometimes it’s just fun to make things awkward. I for one, love to do this. Can’t think of a fun way to do it? Well, here is a dandy list.

- Ask someone what is the longest they have worn the same pair of underwear, after they answer, ask them if a week is two long. (and just hope to god their answer wasn’t long than that.)
- Yell “I’M BLEEDING OUT OF MY VAGINA” while someone around you is eating/drinking something red.
- Ask your room mate their record for how many times they have masturbated in one day.
- Ask your mom when the last time she and your father had sex. If she slaps you, claim child abuse.
- Take your shirt off and just go along as if nothing had changed. Best done at parties.
- When there is silence, yell “DEAD BABY!” (for every silence, a baby dies)
- Start a conversation with: “So I stabbed a hooker…”

Any to add? Please, I’d love to lengthen the list.

Making the world a more awkward place, one awkward silence at a time….

I’ve been checking my ceiling. maybe you should to. bwahahaha

I just spent a good 10 minutes trying to log in to post something. And I was about to give up when I realized I had Caps Lock on. And now I forgot what I was going to post.

GODDAMNIT

So in the meantime, while I try and remember what I was going to write about. Here is a few cat pictures for your enjoyment.

This made my slow day a little better. Garfield always makes me giggle like a little girl. *teehee*