Me – “Yes well we all have to make a few mistakes first now don’t we? God did make man first, look how that worked out.”

Boyfriend – “It was working out fine until he turned one of our ribs into some ho”

I was talking to my friend who is away working at a camp and one of the counselors with her is having her boyfriend come up and fill in for a counselor that left.  My friend is not thrilled with this and thus, the following was exchanged.

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During the summer, I teach Tae Kwon Do at my school back home. In this line of work, you encounter a lot of little fuckers, and a lot of semi-decent children. And I learned from this job that kids really do say the most ridiculous things…mostly because they really just don’t know what they are saying.

For example. This was said to me by one of my nine-year-old students the other day.

“I love nailing you from the back!”

He meant hitting me in the back while sparring. Definitely did not come off that way.

I’m adding a new segment on here, since Text From Last Night doesn’t seem to think the message I send and receive are very amusing, I’m going to put them up here.

The first addition I received from my Boyfriend (Ben, the new boy) about a month ago. Picture Related.

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So you know how sometimes people create code names for certain activities that they want to talk about in front of people but don’t want the other people to know they are talking about what they are actually talking about?

Well if you followed that then you’ll hopefully find great humor in my new code for fooling around.

I use the term fooling around loosely because like the term “hooking up,” everyone has their own opinions about what it actually means. For some people it’s just making out, for others it’s full on bump-it, thump-it. Oh yea, I said it.

Well seeing as how neither I, nor New Boy, are all that religious, it almost seemed perfect that we would call fooling around “Bible Study.” For the record, there has been no bump-it, thump-it. I’m sick of people asking, NO.

But for all the other fun activites involved, the new term is “Bible Study.”

Now along with this new termonology came some pretty good extra things. And yes, most of these are quotes. Other are just me once again, just taking things a little too far.

Try not to be too offended. But I’m pretty sure you can figure out what they each imply, just keep in mind the general theme.
“I think I just found Jesus!”

“Was that the second coming of Christ?”

“I don’t find individual bible review quite as…enlightening.”

“There are still a few passages I don’t quite understand.” (that one is actually not as dirty as it sounds out of context)

and keeping with the theme, wouldn’t a Nun, who spends most of her time in bible study, be considered a nympho?

Fuck, I am SO going to hell. But at least it’ll be a run ride! haha

Two things people should learn to do while at fraternity formals:

1) close the blinds to your room.
2) stay out of the hot tub the second night.

Why you ask? Well you see, this past weekend…

A friend went to a formal down it Gatlinburg, TN. She went with a date, and they had their own room. All the couples did, and then all the guys who went stag slept on couches.

Well apparently her room had a door to the pourch. Nice, yes. Until she forgot the close the blinds while she and her date started hooking up. Little did she knew there were about 5 brothers sitting out on the pourch who could see everything.

Once they were done, she and her date went out onto the pourch to say hello only to be greeted by hoots, hollars, and the suggestion to next time close the blinds. Oops.

The second lesson comes from the same formal.

When you hear that people are naked in a hot tub, you should probably NOT go invesitage. That same friend heard this and was curious, a few clothed brothers, my friend, and her date all went out to investigate.

Apparently she saw a ton of furry rear end…..awkward.

That was the first night. In one of the hot tubs. Thank goodness there were two. No one used the orgy hot tub the second night. No, everyone was in the other one, which My friend and her date decided to try.

What did they find when they got there? No, no naked people. Just some of the people that participated. She and her date got in and had to listen to the play by play of how it went down. At least they were clothed.

Haha. Oh frat boys…. The Gayest of the Straight Boys.

She still had fun, but those were her two fun stories when she got back.

So  I have this friend–Mari.

and this friend of mine, well, she likes to pick up strays.

Not stray dogs or cats. No. She likes to pick up stray people.

Sometimes this backfires for her. Like this one night…

So it’s about 1:30am on a Saturday Night/Sunday Morning and Mari is walking back to her dorm. She passes by Shriver, it’s like our student center with a dining hall in it. Well she really wants food, but she doesn’t make it inside.

Instead, she sees this girl sitting by the bus stop waiting for the bus to College Suits. It’s a housing area for students that is really far away, so far that they have to take a bus to get to and from campus.

Well, she goes up to the girl and asks her why she is still waiting since the buses don’t run this late. What Mari didn’t realize was that the typical metro buses don’t run after midnight, but the CS buses run till 3am.

So she tells the girl to come back with her and oddly enough, the girl goes with her willingly. I’m sure there was alcohol involved, but the girl went back with her. But instead of heading back to her room, Mari takes the girl to her boyfriend’s dorm. He didn’t know she was coming.

So he opens to the door to see Mari and her stray. I can only imagine the look he had on his face. I doubt it was one of surprise though, apparently she does this a lot.

But the girl is hanging out in the room with them, texting her friends, chatting. Then I guess her friend told her how long the buses actually fun to and she was of course, pissed.

She started to get snippy with Mari and stormed out. Mari was so confused, like she didn’t understand why the girl was so upset. Silly Mari.

The girl got picked up by her friend and I guess made it home okay.

WELL…. The next monday in class I was sitting next to Mari in our Micro Biology lecture class and I was listening to her story. I made the comment, “Wouldn’t it be funny if she was in one of your classes.” We laughed, found it amusing, and went back to pretending to listen and doodling.

As we were leaving the class, Mari starts jabbing my arm violently and trying to duck behind me. Apparently her stray is in our class. Mari has to see her three days a week for the rest of the semester.

The lesson here?  Don’t go home with strangers.

No, not the movie. Remember those funny stories about my friends I promised you? Well I got one from the past weekend that practically split my sides.

[CAUTION: Sexual Content]
Let me give the run down on this friend.

We’ll call her… Wicks.

So Wicks is the girl in the group that gave us the reputation we have. She didn’t come home much during her freshman year. Then she got a very controlling boyfriend who sucked the life out of her, and they recently broke up.

Now, she has become desperate. Very. Very. Desperate.

You may also notice that I’m a little hard on her in this story. Truth is, she’s isn’t my favorite one in the group, but she has grown on me. There are things about her I like, but I don’t have a ton of respect for her…..she just makes bad choices, especially when boys are involved.
When boys are involved, things like the following happen:

So she was at a party with a boy, as many stories with her begin. She was with other friends, but her and the boy went off to a room to do….things. No one expected her to come home, but she did. Well, the next day, she complained to her roommate, another girl in the group, that her *ahem* vajayjay was a little sore. She was positive they didn’t have sex. Sure of it! But she wasn’t quite sure was what exactly he did to make her so sore.

So she sees him later that day, just in passing, possibly at a dining hall or a school event or something. Not terribly important. The conversation would have been just as awkward anywhere.

But she is talking to him, and she says to him, “What did we do last night? I am SO sore!”

He replied, “I fingered you.” (It seems to frank, like everyone does that during drunk hookups. Ooo yeah baby, please put your sticky man fingers in my vagina….oh wait, she might have actually said that….ugh. anyway)

“And that got me sore?” she replies, surprised and disbelieving. Apparently it’s not a new occurrence.

“Well I used three fingers!” (like he’s all proud of it.) He puts up three fingers. “And then I did this!” He then spreads his fingers into the shape of a “W.”

A ‘W’.

My first reaction? Who the hell taught him that women liked that??? What kind of porn has he been studying?

My second reaction? She didn’t know he was doing that??? Alcohol is a magical thing if it can mask the pain of that intrusive and abusive sexual act.

But whatever anyone’s reaction, three fingers, as innocent as they may seem, will never be held up around her ever again. It will never mean “Winner” because that kid….was not a winner that night, and Wicks sure wasn’t a winner the next morning.

So I met this guy at a PIKE party the other night. It was a Shot party, 12 different shots, one given out every 15 minutes. It was AWESOME. But anyone, I met this kid, and he likes to text me when he is drunk now. This is often since he is a pledge, pretty much every day of the week.

But this past weekend, he kept asking where I was, since I obviously was not at the PIKE party. I was in my room, chilling, because I was tired.

At one point, he sends me: “Do you mind if I come back to your room and help you study?”

I laughed. I laughed a lot.

I sent back: “I don’t see how you can help, I’m not in a human anatomy class.”

I thought I was being pretty clever, but when I got a message back…. he didn’t get it.
I was so disappointed I wasted a perfectly good joke on a drunk boy who wanted just wanted to go to a party in my pants. Alas, he was not invited.
Ah well, two weeks and I get to study someone else’s anatomy very closely. and well, I am very excited for that.