And so it begins, Finals Week 09.

Now I admit, I’m not the typical college student. I should be popping adderol and pulling all nighters at the library (like my roommate) but I’m not. No, instead I actually had all my stuff due last week, so now all I have to look forward to (or dread) this coming week is one final paper (7-10 pages) and an exam in my pass/fail class. And whats more, I could walk into that exam, sign my name, turn the paper in, and still pass the class. So needless to say, I’m not too worried. And the paper isn’t due till wednesday.

So basically, I’m bored. My boy has two hard exams Monday and Tuesday, and all my friends have exams too. So no one is around to play with me! and I don’t want to go out drinking alone, that just doesn’t seem fun.

Thus, I’ve had to find other ways to entertain myself which have included going through my nicknacks and throwing stuff out that I don’t need and what not. Packed a few things up, threw some clothes in a suitcase.

Actually, the most entertaining thing I did was go through and throw out all my expired condoms. I only have them because of sexual health week on campus. My roommate helped, and then we read the directions which my one roommate was surprised some people need those.

Oh. They do. Another story for another time.

But otherwise, I actually had to take a break in the middle of writing this post because my roommates and I decided to make a cold stone run for ice cream cup cakes, but I then decided to go next door and get some chips and guac. Perfect.

We picked up two more of our lovely Dirty South and came back to the room to watch The Girl Next Door. Good shit.

Unfortunately, with all the good, we had to tell one of our roommates that her boyfriend has been cheating on her. She seemed okay when we told her…but then she made a phone call…and all were heard were those sad sounds of bawling and tears and screaming. And we assumed the worst. We rushed in, but she bolted out of the room and into the stairwell and we couldn’t catch her. We don’t know where she is now, I hope she is okay….

It sucks that it has to be now that she finds out, but its better she know now than go into the summer with a cheating boyfriend.

Hopefully Finals week will be okay for everyone…

Maybe I’m just a little bitter. Or maybe, my instincts are accurate. Personally, I hope I’m just bitter.

Last night I put on my very favorite red dress that I always feel so good in because it’s just one of those dresses that looks good, no matter what. I wore it last night because I hoped that I would see new boy out, especially since I hadn’t seen him or really spoken more than a few texts here and there with him. I did my hair all nice, put on nice makeup, and went out for another night which can only be described as a flop of an evening.

Not only did I never see or hear from new boy last night, which I find frustrating in itself, I was subjected to the bitter tears and angry words from three different friends who all, of course, were not having a good time. I don’t remember when I was put in charge of them having a good time, would have been nice to know ahead of time.

Well, on top of that, I actually spent the entire evening talking to the wrong boy. Instead of new boy, who I am actually interested in and enjoy the company of, I got to hang out with the sob of a bitch that enjoys stringing me along for months at a time.

Two years this ass hole has been around, then not around, around, then not around. And I did eventually become fed up with it and move on. He of course, has not done the same. No, instead he sees me at the bar and makes an immediate b-line for me. He knows I’m seeing someone new (or not seeing, as it turns out) and still manages to throw all his game at me.

Arm around me, flirty touching, etc. etc. Even tried to buy me shots and walk me home. I wasn’t having it. I also wasn’t drunk. Cold medicine plus booze has proved a bad move, and I wans’t about to make that mistake. But I had about a beer and a half, and everyone else had most definitely had more. Always puts a fun spin on things.

Well eventually old jack ass boy got the hint and went home, not before trying to take me with him, but I had other things to deal with, such as the two crying girls that I had to take home. One crying because this guy that she kinda likes we basically ignoring her, and the other, well, she was just crying. Never figured that one out.

But we get home, and I find my roommate in the room, upset for the third night in a row. I’m sick of hearing her whining at night while she is drunk, especially when I get to hear it all over again the next morning because she didn’t remember that she had told me the night before.

I’m very much looking forward to my single room next year.

I still haven’t heard from New Boy, despite having sent him a text asking him how his night went. He was on a pub crawl with other friends, maybe he’s just really hung over, and I’m just bitter.

Or maybe the way I feel is actually right on the dot? Either way, there are two weeks left of my sophomore year, and while all i have left is two projects, a final paper, and a pass/fail exam to take, it still seems like it will be two very long weeks.

Now I’ve worked very hard to keep personal complaints about relationships off here, but it’s late at night, my mom is asleep, and I’m going nuts because of two things. 1) I have no where to type how I feel since I don’t want to be “that girl” on facebook, and 2) I can’t possibly know what’s going on on the other end. Needless to say, I’m a bit antsy. My fingers continue to drum the edge of my laptop. I check my phone ever few minutes…more like seconds. And I only got to three pages on my 8 page paper I really need to have done by Thursday. I’m a bit distracted.

Let my lay it down.

I’m frustrated because I was at a party last night and I was lonely. It’s hard to watch your friends couple up and you’re standing alone in the middle of the room realizing that you’re either just standing there constantly checking your phone for a text, or your the third wheel in someone else’s conversation. I chose the second so only two people would think I was a loser at a time.

I went home early and still got to watch my roommate and her boyfriend cuddle. Who knows what else after I was asleep. And I found myself miserable.

and I woke up miserable. But it wasn’t just the night before that was bothering me. It’s been a personal thing, I’ve just been so unsure about my life right now. Maybe it’s just that time of the year since a friend of mine and his girlfriend just broke up because she was feeling the same way. They had been dating 5 years. I’m sure they will get back together so there is no issue there.

But with a background of feeling unsure about things, I was not in a good place. It didn’t help that my boyfriend had rightfully so been off doing other things. I didn’t mind, it’s just each time he left right before I got up the nerve to tell him I was feeling down. Nothing would have been a problem, but it just ended up being bad timing. I kept saying I’d do it tomorrow. Unfortunately, I got upset and angry before that tomorrow came.

So I get angry, I couldn’t help it. I felt alone and left alone.

Now, there is something so easy to say to that. “I’m sorry, I had something else I really had to do. I didn’t realize how upset you were, but I couldn’t be taken away from what I was doing. How are you doing now? Is everything okay? What’s bothering you?”

Anything along those lines would have been perfect. But I got lectured. I guess it’s a normal reaction to tell someone off that you think is in the wrong, but that’s if they don’t know they are in the wrong. I knew I was being stupid, but don’t girls get a free pass for that or something? Or can’t it be like sick days?

But I wasn’t having it and I just walked away from it. And I’ve been driving myself up a wall ever since. I called my mom and she called me weak for wanting to make contact after twenty minutes. Typical me right? Well I really didn’t want to be the girl that you think “oh, she’s upset now but she’ll suck it up and talk to me later about it.”

No, I can’t be that. I don’t want to be that weak. I know that is so shallow and such a game, but call it a pride thing. I can have a little pride, can’t I?

But at the same time, I don’t know what’s going on that end. It’s like being broken up all over again. Does he care AT ALL? Or is he just playing rock band, just waiting till I break and am right back saying I’m sorry, I’m totally in the wrong, It’s all my fault?
Well it’s been about 11 hours since I just walked away from the conversation….and nothing.

Around midnight I had a moment of weakness, I really wanted to say something. I mean, I know that he has things he has to do. Family is always first, I get that. People can’t always be around.

But when you need them, isn’t that when they have to? Or should I just have sucked it up last night? Gone home, cried, felt alone, then gotten over it?

I guess being unsure, having doubts about life in general, and mixing that with alcohol and being lonely just breeds problems.

But why then when he is lonely, I’m there to text him? To make him feel better? But I don’t get the same because he had something else he had to do, somewhere else he had to be?

I’m repeating old habits. It’s just like three years ago, letting myself get upset because I was alway always always around and that one never was?

I feel better saying it, guess I’m still just that young. My mom has years of experience on me and can tell me what she would do, but she and I are so different. She always had a guy for backup when she decided she was bored with the current boy. I just never had that in me. Every relationship, friendship, romantic, or family, I consider it the most important thing. I guess that’s why I always take things harder than she thinks I should.

Let me just tell you though, it’s hard to hear your mother say to you: “I wish you were a stronger person.”

My progression of emotions throughout this breakup so far.
Day one: sad, tired, unable to talk to other people about it, just wadecd to cry, and eventually numb because I distanced myself from people and just tried not to feel.

Day two: woke up and for a moment i was happy before i realized what happened and then sadness. For most the day. Crying was common at times of severe loneliness typically while driving. Missed him, talked to him, felt like I should get over it and be friendly. Was friendly, he thought all was okay. hah, fooled him.
Day three: started to get a little better, friend called me, took me out, but then I started to remember things, find things all over my house that give me flashbacks, etc.

Day four: Getting pissed off because he decided it was what he wanted, then still managed to sleep with me one last time before ending it. Wait, really pissed off.

Day five: confused, without a purpose, lost. I just don’t know what to do with myself…..

I want to be happy. But I don’t want him to be…but that’s just a normal feeling. I don’t know how to feel. I don’t know what to do to keep myself busy.

It just hurts, but at the same time I feel nothing. Numb, but in pain. God I need to be at school to distract myself.

so as I mentioned before, I was in the middle of a break up with John. I was miserable, crying constantly, numb, etc. etc. all the typical breakup stuff.

I’m actually thinking about some kind of guide book to the female breakup. There seem to be a long of things that I feel like all women go through and things all women feel. I’ve been through three different kinds of break ups now, I have a decent understanding. Not fully, but give me a few years.

Anyway, back to my point. So tonight after my friend took me out to dinner, my first meal in two days, I sat online and stared at my aim. John was on and I couldn’t help but wonder what he was doing. I would check his facebook constantly, my facebook constantly, you know, just for any sympathy.

I just never knew if it was okay to talk to him or create some space.

We broke up because me being far away at school caused a significant strain that neither one of us could handle anymore, and also because well, the initial spark to our relationship was gone, we had really just become best friends. It was a different kind of love.

But the sex was still awesome.

Then I noticed a window pop up. It was John, he just wanted to say hi.

I stared a few minutes, not knowing what to do. Eventually I simply replied  “hi”.

We talked about things, it was stiff conversation. I was still hurt, he was worried about me, it was a hard time to talk. Eventually I started sharing how I felt, and I got upset. It went on like this for an hour.

Eventually though, something snapped. I just realized that I have half a summer left, it wasn’t worth being absolutely miserable like I was, and it was not worth losing my best friend over.

I can accept that things will be different. It’s hard, but I can accept it. I don’t want to, but I guess I’ll have to.

I love him, I really do. Maybe not in the right way right now. But things felt so right. I guess I can’t help but wonder if it just needs a few years, maybe the spark just took a vacation. Who knows, I don’t even know how that stuff works really.

For now though, I have my best friend back.

and as I write this post, I’m sharing my very tiny twin bed with both my dog and my cat since my mom is out of town. And they have taken over. I have very little space. lol I hope they don’t kick/bite/ or scratch!

Sorry I’ve been gone, lots of studying and wasting time, you know how it is.

WARNING: contains emotional complaining and reasoning like I used to do on my old livejournal blog. It will probably make no sense, it’s just how my head is working through how I’m feeling right now. Turn back now. You’ve been warned.

But I think I finally understand the term “hopeless romantic.” And it’s actually much more hopeless and slightly more morbidly romantic than I think most people use it for.

Originally I thought it just meant you can’t help but be in love, you just love to be in love. But really, that’s just a romantic.

I think a hopeless romantic is someone who would rather love and lose than ever love at all. Cliche as it is, it makes a lot of sense.

They would rather love someone so much and know they loved them back that much, and then lose them to say, death, than to live a life of a bunch of half-loves.

Moulin Rouge helped me to figure this one out.

And I’m pretty sure that’s my problem. I put everything into every relationship, I never just half-ass it. If I didn’t try as hard and didn’t expect as much back, would I be happier?

Not to say I’m not happy. I’m actually much much happier than I’ve ever been. I still have my insane moments where I just lose it and all my insecurities come flooding out in a rush of jibberish, but they happen a lot less often than they used to. I used to have them ever few days, back when I was dating douchebag (blake).

Now it’s every few weeks, and only when I’m away from John. He takes care of me a lot better, but I feel bad because I still require so much effort and attention.

That’s why I try so hard to be the best girlfriend ever. I feel like if there are enough good things about me to cancel out my flaws, the person I’m with will put up with me. Too bad I feel like it’s my flaws that stick out, not all the good things.

It could be months in between my little freak outs, but when the next one happens, it feels like the last one was only days earlier.

And I hate it when people think I don’t know that I’m being irrational. I know very well that I can’t explain how I’m feeling and that what I’m feeling makes no sense and that I have no idea what’s going on in my head. I KNOW THAT! Trust me, it drives me nuts too.

I know the problem is with me, I just need someone to help me deal with it, because if I didn’t, I’d lay in my room and sulk.

During my little freak outs, I don’t eat, I don’t move, I don’t talk to many people. I just lay in bed and think. I try to use music to pull me out of it, but then I just end up listening to sad music.

Oh my flaws are many. The ones I’m aware of?

- I’m overly competitive to the point that I can lose friends over it
- I tend to like to be the victim so people will pay attention to me
- I am WAY too emotional, I have cried during commercials
- I need things, but I don’t always know what I need, I just know I need something
- I hold grudges like WOAH
- I think I talk about myself too much, I’m really self-centered
- In relationships, I want some kind of commitment or plan to feel secure, and I want constant reassurance, which means lots of attention

I really really hope my good qualities outweigh my flaws.

Why is it that people spend so much time and focus so intently on and only notice flaws?

ack, sorry, what a waste of a post.

I’ll probably have a new reader now. Below are the events that led to me giving my boyfriend the link to my blog.

My boyfriend’s name is John. We’ve been dating around 14th months now, that’s over a year and a substantial amount of time. Because I chose to go away to college, far far away, we’re currently in a long distance relationship. It has been working. Winter break was a lot of fun, but towards the end, things became strained.

We were doing the same thing a lot, which would leave to lots of things getting boring.

Leaving was hard, but who wouldn’t expect that? Then John was out of the country, so I wasn’t able to talk to him for over a week. It was difficult because we hadn’t left on a good note and then I was left to stew.

I had fun back at school, but I missed him tons. He came back, things felt awkward. We talked, but it wasn’t the same.

Then the argument came. Views were expressed. But really, they were just deeper problems being expressed in ineffective ways.

After that night, there wasn’t much talking. I was withdrawn. I didn’t want to push it. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to keep it up or just end it, but every time I thought about ending it, I just couldn’t.

I lost sleep. I couldn’t think. I couldn’t work. It was awful.

Later on that week, John came home from a night of light drinking and left me a message. I was still up, we talked. Things were more calm, were explained, and problems were figured out.

We realized we were too stuck in our ways. Things weren’t interesting anymore. We had stopped trying to make things fun. We had taken each other for granted.

And he mentioned that he knew I had a blog, and that it has always irritated him that there were things I didn’t tell him. I felt that was the time to offer him the link. I’m glad

He’s a great guy. I love him tons. And well, I’m happy now…well, happier.

So I’m sitting in my dorm room, on my bed, in the dark since my roommate is asleep. It’s 2:26am. I just got back from partying. I’m sober now, since I had to walk a few people back. There is a reason my friends call me “Sensible.”

But as much as I should be going to sleep since I have to be conscious at 2pm tomorrow for group project, I’m really stuck.

I think I may actually be depressed, or maybe it’s just normal to wish your boyfriend would call all day, then when he does, you aren’t happy at all and proceed to cry intensely while you dry your hair. I had to call my mom and talk to her, I felt so miserable. And then just cried on the phone to her too.

Most people would say I’m just stressed about finals. Nope, even though they are the week after next, I’m not worried at all.

I’m not sure why I’m so upset and depressed. All week I’ve felt distant from my boyfriend, maybe that’s it? I’ve hardly felt like I even have a boyfriend these past few days. I’m starting to wonder if it’s worth still being with him.

It’s so good when we’re together, and it’s good when we are apart if we talk. But we haven’t talked and I feel like such an afterthought to him sometimes.

The biggest problem with that? It’s exactly how my last boyfriend used to treat me, and I can’t bear to be treated like that again.

I wish my boyfriend would text me, or call me, or even talk online with me about something other than pointless youtube videos.

Is it wrong to just want to be reassured every now and then? It’s not like this is a new thing. I’m needy, I know it, he knows it. It’s pretty well known.

Maybe because it’s been a year he is just settled in and secure. I’d be okay if he told me that, I’d feel better. Mostly because he would have told me something.

It’s amazing how when you don’t talk to someone for about 2-3 days, you miss them like hell, and start to worry.

I suppose I should head to bed, stop complaining, and hope he talks to me tomorrow.

ps. even when I sounded miserable on the phone, does he ask if something is wrong? No, he has to make sure he gets to his party and sees everyone. That’s exactly what Blake would have done, and that scares me.

Happy Belated Thanksgiving to everyone!

I don’t really have an particularly fun stories from break. My cousin got engaged. I guess that’s cool. However, all Thanksgiving really did was cement my contempt for my extended family. One cousin, the one getting married, is a fat, lazy bastard. The next cousin is probably going to live at home for the rest of his life. And the third and youngest cousin, wants to go to college, but oh my god, she is the biggest little bitch I’ve ever met. My aunt and uncle are cool I guess, even though they called my education “a waste of money.”

But enough about my extended family that I don’t usually own up to…

I was pleased that I got to hang out with my favorite every day. He even surprised me the day I got home. He also made me hot chocolate and took care of me while I was feeling sick.

That was another thing, I got ridiculously sick for break. Ear infection and some crazy nasty cold. Feeling better now though.

I think I would normally be more lighthearted in my post, except that the break ended so badly. I went to my boss’s party, and got hammered. It was a poor choice, as is eating chipotle then binge drinking patron tequila shots. Needless to say, I ended up in the bathroom. Not only was it humiliating, it was painful. I wasn’t even lucky enough to black out.

luckily, and for this my boyfriend deserves a medal, He drove me home and took care of me. Not before I fell out of my car and crawled to the grass so I could throw up on my lawn. Ah memories…

Well I requested that he stay the night with me and take care of me. He was averse to it, and said he’d walk home. I was having none of that, so I made him stay. Another poor choice on my part.

It was great to have him close by if I needed anything, but the next morning when I drove him home, my parents saw us leaving. This resulted in them being furious with me. And I had to catch a flight in an hour.

Essentially, My parents called me cruel names which I don’t think I really deserved and told me to act my age. But, I thought that’s how people behaved when they are 18, young, and stupid?

But it really upset me, that and I was hungover and tired as fuck. So on my incredibly painful flight home, I decided I needed to make a few changes in my life.

1) Take a break from drinking. Yeah, college is pretty much known for that, but it might be the memories of spewing chipotle burrito into a toilet that are driving this decision. Plus, I’ll probably drop 5 pounds. Always a perk!

2) No more drinking at home.

3) Spend more time with my parents. Apparently, I don’t spend enough time with them, or have enough free time for them to decide for us to do something.

4) No more smexing up my boyfriend at my house while my parents are upstairs and awake.
5) Be less open with my parents about my habits. The less they know, probably the better.

So those are my 5 new rules to live buy. I just want my “good girl” image back. The only people that think I’m innocent anymore are my boyfriends parents, and I love the way they treat me because of it.  Hopefully I can stick to it. That is, until my boyfriend and I head up to Quebec where we will be sleeping in the same room, skiing/snowboarding daily, and the drinking age is 18.

And talk about irony, My boyfriend turns 21 and the next week I decide to stop drinking. Perfect timing.

It should always be know that it is a bad idea, if you are a man, to talk about your sexual exploits. For one thing, it’s not very classy. And two, no girl appreciates the funny looks.

Now, to be honest, it never really bothered me until a few weekends ago, when my boyfriend decided that a few people needed to know about one of our more adventurous escapades.

We made some crazy monkey love in our work place. Well, his former work place, and my current one. Now, I don’t mind if certain people know. For one thing, my boss knows, and a few of my coworkers know. But it’s okay, because my boss totally owned up to having done it too. I’m pretty sure that’s why he took my key though.
Well, my boyfriend, a few weeks ago, went a mutual friend’s going away party. I was captive in this small, desolate, no mall, ohio town so I could not grace them with my presence.
He got drunk. Big surprise there. Love him, but a loose lipped drunk.
And well, turns out he told two of his old friends from work, people I had never met before, what he and I had done.

Now, this wouldn’t bother me, except that those two people have come back. Not to work, but to take classes. (I work in a Taekowndo school.) Well, when I get home, I’m going to have to meet these people.
What will be their first impression of me? No, not another bad ass black belt  that trained at the same school as them. Nooo.
I’m going to be the girl their little buddy fucked on the mats. can’t you just taste the bitterness?
Now I’m a little reluctant to go home.

Is it okay that he did that? Should I be as bothered as I am?

I guess I feel like it’s weird that all these people know about me, before even meeting me, is my sex life.