So I’m entering finals week, but not without one last night of debauchery before I go into a week of studying. Then again, not too intense of a week for me. I just finished my 8 page final paper for one class, and I got out of my spanish final because I had a 90%. That means, despite taking 18 credits (6 classes) this semester, I only have to take one final. it’s on Wednesday and only 50 mc questions long. I’m so psyched! haha

But about the night of debauchery.

The party is at Dan’s house, My friend Emily’s boyfriend. We get there, and not many people are there yet. Didn’t stop the guys that live there from getting drunk. We brought over snacks, some rice crispy treats, puppy chow, and christmas cookies. We also ordered champagne. We wanted pretty classes to drink them with so we had Dan reach up to get us some glasses because we were worried we’d break them. We should have been more worried about Dan doing it.

He managed to break two large glasses and glass when everywhere, including into our food we had brought. We swept it up pretty well, but cleaned up the food, but we still had to be warry of it. I mean, do you really want to eat glass?

Well we hadn’t had anything to drink yet, our cheap $6 champagne hadn’t arrived. But the guys from a kegger at another house did. One guy enters, Andrew, and wants to show us how many he had at the house. Unlike the others, he didn’t keep his tallies on his arm. No, he pulls down his pants to show us his furry butt with all his tally marks. Lovely.

Then he tries to steal their tea kettle by showing it up under his shirt. But there was water in it…So he got water all down the front of himself. Poor choice.

But then some others walked in. I turned to my friend, “Looks like some trash walked in.” You should have seen these girls. One of them was the girl that had worn the victoria secret sexy santa costume to a holiday party. She leaned over and we totally got an eyeful of what we didnt want to see. But tonight she was just wearing a white shirt with a black bra that she had unbuttoned to show off her boobs. I’m all for sexy, but seriously?

Well turns out when I turned and made that comment to my friend, she thought I meant the smell that walked in. It was then that I realized that there was an AWFUL smell coming from a guy that had walked in. So we moved, i mean, he smelled TERRIBLE.

SO we are on the couch, and this guy comes over and rips one right next to us. And that smelled even worse. I still hadn’t had anything to drink, and I thought I was going to get sick it was so awful. ANd everyone at the party knew. ONe guy lit a match by his ass just to try and get rid of it, or light it on fire. Not really sure. Regardless, it was awful.

But the party progressed. Eventually it led to a very drunk birthday boy demanding body shots. We managed to convince all the house mates to do one off his tummy. That was VERY entertaining. Then we had a ridiculous dance party till 3am. Then the remaining finially got home at 4am.

I was asleep by 5am. It was one hell of a night. It was fun not to be the drunk ones for once! Interesting side note, all the food was gone when we left. Veerry interesting, eh? haha I wonder who ate glass….yick!

Wish me luck on my one final! woooo!

Now I’ve worked very hard to keep personal complaints about relationships off here, but it’s late at night, my mom is asleep, and I’m going nuts because of two things. 1) I have no where to type how I feel since I don’t want to be “that girl” on facebook, and 2) I can’t possibly know what’s going on on the other end. Needless to say, I’m a bit antsy. My fingers continue to drum the edge of my laptop. I check my phone ever few minutes…more like seconds. And I only got to three pages on my 8 page paper I really need to have done by Thursday. I’m a bit distracted.

Let my lay it down.

I’m frustrated because I was at a party last night and I was lonely. It’s hard to watch your friends couple up and you’re standing alone in the middle of the room realizing that you’re either just standing there constantly checking your phone for a text, or your the third wheel in someone else’s conversation. I chose the second so only two people would think I was a loser at a time.

I went home early and still got to watch my roommate and her boyfriend cuddle. Who knows what else after I was asleep. And I found myself miserable.

and I woke up miserable. But it wasn’t just the night before that was bothering me. It’s been a personal thing, I’ve just been so unsure about my life right now. Maybe it’s just that time of the year since a friend of mine and his girlfriend just broke up because she was feeling the same way. They had been dating 5 years. I’m sure they will get back together so there is no issue there.

But with a background of feeling unsure about things, I was not in a good place. It didn’t help that my boyfriend had rightfully so been off doing other things. I didn’t mind, it’s just each time he left right before I got up the nerve to tell him I was feeling down. Nothing would have been a problem, but it just ended up being bad timing. I kept saying I’d do it tomorrow. Unfortunately, I got upset and angry before that tomorrow came.

So I get angry, I couldn’t help it. I felt alone and left alone.

Now, there is something so easy to say to that. “I’m sorry, I had something else I really had to do. I didn’t realize how upset you were, but I couldn’t be taken away from what I was doing. How are you doing now? Is everything okay? What’s bothering you?”

Anything along those lines would have been perfect. But I got lectured. I guess it’s a normal reaction to tell someone off that you think is in the wrong, but that’s if they don’t know they are in the wrong. I knew I was being stupid, but don’t girls get a free pass for that or something? Or can’t it be like sick days?

But I wasn’t having it and I just walked away from it. And I’ve been driving myself up a wall ever since. I called my mom and she called me weak for wanting to make contact after twenty minutes. Typical me right? Well I really didn’t want to be the girl that you think “oh, she’s upset now but she’ll suck it up and talk to me later about it.”

No, I can’t be that. I don’t want to be that weak. I know that is so shallow and such a game, but call it a pride thing. I can have a little pride, can’t I?

But at the same time, I don’t know what’s going on that end. It’s like being broken up all over again. Does he care AT ALL? Or is he just playing rock band, just waiting till I break and am right back saying I’m sorry, I’m totally in the wrong, It’s all my fault?
Well it’s been about 11 hours since I just walked away from the conversation….and nothing.

Around midnight I had a moment of weakness, I really wanted to say something. I mean, I know that he has things he has to do. Family is always first, I get that. People can’t always be around.

But when you need them, isn’t that when they have to? Or should I just have sucked it up last night? Gone home, cried, felt alone, then gotten over it?

I guess being unsure, having doubts about life in general, and mixing that with alcohol and being lonely just breeds problems.

But why then when he is lonely, I’m there to text him? To make him feel better? But I don’t get the same because he had something else he had to do, somewhere else he had to be?

I’m repeating old habits. It’s just like three years ago, letting myself get upset because I was alway always always around and that one never was?

I feel better saying it, guess I’m still just that young. My mom has years of experience on me and can tell me what she would do, but she and I are so different. She always had a guy for backup when she decided she was bored with the current boy. I just never had that in me. Every relationship, friendship, romantic, or family, I consider it the most important thing. I guess that’s why I always take things harder than she thinks I should.

Let me just tell you though, it’s hard to hear your mother say to you: “I wish you were a stronger person.”

Somehow I’m not all that surprised…