Finals week next week. 3 papers, lots of projects, and a bunch of stress headaches.

I just want to go home. I’ll return when there is something other than stress to talk about.

(11:15:11 PM) John: we’re so alike that our sex could almost be called masturbation

To continue to dish on my awkward family, I am including a follow up segment about my father.

Our relationship is always very stressed when we are together because we are so alike. We have “the gene” which refers to his side of the family where everyone is stubborn, mean, hates life, and a huge pessimist. Well, that’s what we say at least. It’s a curse. We are all also destined to lose our first loves. So far, it’s proven all true.

But the thing about my dad is that he really is an incredible person. Despite how grumpy he always seems to be when he gets home from work or how much he yells when he doesn’t even mean to, he is the most amazing person I’ve ever met.

When he was 19, he moved from the east coast to Colorado on a whim. He decided to later to go to college and paid his own way through college and grad school. He managed to graduate 3rd in his class. He used to joke that everyone was so much younger than him that to go out on weekends, he would have to grab a beer with his professors. They were the only people that were old enough to drink with him.

He applied for a job with the government, and when they never called him back he called them and asked for a reply. The guy on the phone freaked out and immediately gave him the job. He’s been worked there ever since.

From day one he and my mom have been saving for my brother and my college. There was never going to be a choice in the matter, we were going.

My dad hates his job and can’t wait to retire. All he wants to do is take pictures. He’s also an amazing photographer.

But he has been putting off retiring because I picked a school that is extremely expensive. 40k a year. But he wanted me to have the best. He pays for everything because he doesn’t want me to have to work while in school, he wants me to focus on my studies.

And now, he is spending his own retirment money on my brother’s private high school tuition. 10k a year.

So for education, my dad is spending 50k a year. Yeah, it’s that important to my family. But he has been planning for this, and going to a job he hates every day for almost 30 years so he can do this for us.

Not to mention how hard he has pushed us. Every day he asks for grade updates and making us do homework. He pushed me to tears thousands of times during my grade school years, but he gave me a work ethic because of it. Not to mention, I’m too afraid of him to get bad grades now haha

But that’s why he is awesome. Now let me go into why he can be hella awkward.

First off, like I mentioned before, he doesn’t want me or my brother to be surprised by anything. So he was the one that gave me my first lesson about drinking.

We were watching the famed college movie “Animal House” on tv and my dad used this as an opportunity to teach me. He grabbed one of the “fuffy” drinks my mom likes to drink and poured me a small cup.

“Drink it,” he said. I was surprised, but I did. He poured another cup. Then, he went over to the cupboard and pulled out a bottle I didn’t recognize. I didn’t even realize that we had a liquor cabinet. He showed me the bottle. “This is everclear.” He poured a bit into the cup. “This just increased the amount of alcohol in that drink.” he told me how much, but it was a long time ago, I don’t remember. I just remember drinking the drink, tasting no difference, but being really surprised how much alcohol was in there.

He then described to me “the college party”. The one thing I remember him telling me was: “Rule #1: You never have catching up to do.”

I don’t remember the rest of what happened that night, but I felt so close to my dad, glad that he taught me something I was probably never going to learn from someone else. He also gave me to solid advice: “If you’re going to drink, drink. If you’re going to do drugs, do drugs. Just don’t do both.”
My father also gives me the best dating advice. He gives me insight into things that my mom can’t and makes me feel better about the things I do. I complain to my mom, but I get advice from my dad.

Of course, he can be incredibly awkward too.

We were on vacation once, and we were at the Olive Garden. I wanted to go home because I was sick of being away from John. My dad made the comment “You just want to get home because you need to get serviced.” My mouth fell open and my eyes got wide. I couldn’t believe he said that. Granted, it was totally true. But STILL!

And on this same vacation, we hung out in bars a lot playing pool. To distract us, my dad would throw in some pelvic thrusts. We always missed those shots.

The man is incredible, the man is hilarious. He is a great dad. I could talk for hours about him. But I’m sure everyone’s bored of hearing about it now.

<3 love my family

Sorry I’ve been gone, lots of studying and wasting time, you know how it is.

WARNING: contains emotional complaining and reasoning like I used to do on my old livejournal blog. It will probably make no sense, it’s just how my head is working through how I’m feeling right now. Turn back now. You’ve been warned.

But I think I finally understand the term “hopeless romantic.” And it’s actually much more hopeless and slightly more morbidly romantic than I think most people use it for.

Originally I thought it just meant you can’t help but be in love, you just love to be in love. But really, that’s just a romantic.

I think a hopeless romantic is someone who would rather love and lose than ever love at all. Cliche as it is, it makes a lot of sense.

They would rather love someone so much and know they loved them back that much, and then lose them to say, death, than to live a life of a bunch of half-loves.

Moulin Rouge helped me to figure this one out.

And I’m pretty sure that’s my problem. I put everything into every relationship, I never just half-ass it. If I didn’t try as hard and didn’t expect as much back, would I be happier?

Not to say I’m not happy. I’m actually much much happier than I’ve ever been. I still have my insane moments where I just lose it and all my insecurities come flooding out in a rush of jibberish, but they happen a lot less often than they used to. I used to have them ever few days, back when I was dating douchebag (blake).

Now it’s every few weeks, and only when I’m away from John. He takes care of me a lot better, but I feel bad because I still require so much effort and attention.

That’s why I try so hard to be the best girlfriend ever. I feel like if there are enough good things about me to cancel out my flaws, the person I’m with will put up with me. Too bad I feel like it’s my flaws that stick out, not all the good things.

It could be months in between my little freak outs, but when the next one happens, it feels like the last one was only days earlier.

And I hate it when people think I don’t know that I’m being irrational. I know very well that I can’t explain how I’m feeling and that what I’m feeling makes no sense and that I have no idea what’s going on in my head. I KNOW THAT! Trust me, it drives me nuts too.

I know the problem is with me, I just need someone to help me deal with it, because if I didn’t, I’d lay in my room and sulk.

During my little freak outs, I don’t eat, I don’t move, I don’t talk to many people. I just lay in bed and think. I try to use music to pull me out of it, but then I just end up listening to sad music.

Oh my flaws are many. The ones I’m aware of?

- I’m overly competitive to the point that I can lose friends over it
- I tend to like to be the victim so people will pay attention to me
- I am WAY too emotional, I have cried during commercials
- I need things, but I don’t always know what I need, I just know I need something
- I hold grudges like WOAH
- I think I talk about myself too much, I’m really self-centered
- In relationships, I want some kind of commitment or plan to feel secure, and I want constant reassurance, which means lots of attention

I really really hope my good qualities outweigh my flaws.

Why is it that people spend so much time and focus so intently on and only notice flaws?

ack, sorry, what a waste of a post.